“[…] One bad day away […]”

About 3 or 4 months ago, I watched the famous The Killing Joke, an animated movie about the birth of Joker and the tragic death of a failed comedia, metaphorically of course, because they are the same person.

Now that I’m on quite a different vibe, I see another layer to The Joker’s philosophy in this movie:

“Every sane man is just one bad day away from me”. The Joker.

I understood it intellectually the first time. But I feel it now, I can see how it would play out with me going insane . He was talking about some kind of momentum, the destructive momentum of a hurricane. Like a snowflake rolling downhill with the slopes have acid, alcohol and gasoline. Once you get carried away with it, suddenly, the whole world turns red and everyone is fucking ugly, irrational and extremely hostile. Your precious, classy, respectful girl would approach every guys and forget all about you in Hoi An. The bed would get so stuffy and the clothes don’t even fit you right. I want to tear everything apart. I want to sceam and let hell break loose up on this motherfucker.

The voices start to creep in slowly, like Arnold if he was an emo 14.
“Ooh, they be laughing at you” “Ooh, they be watching you, they be judging you” “Look at the bunch of high school children all giggling for the joy of such pathetic, alienated creature like you”

Something bad happens to people everyday, they all seem capable of coping with it, don’t they? But what if all the bad things happen to you happen in one day, just one day without you even knowing if you would make it ’til tomorrow, would you be sane still? 

The Joker said: Absolutely not! You would go bat-shit cray cray. He wants to prove our special thing we dyingly holding onto (ego, identification) is just fragile as a candelion. 

I, personally, agree with him that it is easily broken like arms of an elder veteran. But what is left is not the beast like he is, I’m with Batman on that.

Realizing this and writing it down cost me my sadness. I felt alone and lost but now I’m lost in thoughts instead.

Windy IPH. 14h:25. I missed another fucking movie hangout. Nhung is working, I’m all alone and it sucks. Karma?

Dream Journal #2

What a shame that I can barely remember my dreams the last 3 days, which probably is the result of insomnia. I stay up until 2 and struggle to lose myself into sleep.

But…today is different. I dreamt something disturbing again:

I had a prophetic vision about killing a man, sticking the kitchen knife to his neck and put pressure onto it. That man was my father, later in the dream I realized. I came home, went straight to kitchen, ate some ice-cream and took a knife. My dad said hi like nothing was out of usual. I rushed to him and attempted to slit his throat.

At this point I was horrified. I knew what I was doing is horribly wrong but was helpless. I could not do anything to stop myself, as if the prophecy was meant to be realized.

My dad pushed me out in shock, but eventually I got on top of him and pressed the knife right on his neck, some blood dripped out onto the blade.

Mom came in, calmly and gently asked me what was going on. Dad and I stood up. And we watched television together.

Now. I am not even going to try to comprehend the meaning behind the dreams. This is too much. I guess I’m having a slight mental breakdown, especially on relationships. I miss a girl. But I’m sad because she seems to be having the time of her life, which is very understandable and very selfish of me to even be sad. But still, sad I am.

Also, I “caught a wind” and having light headaches right now. So that could fuck my mind up and cause this weird dream.

Daily Dream Journal. #1.

I slept for about 4 hours. Vaguely remember what i dreamt of. Something had to do with classes and depression.

I was providing a girl tips on how to get over depression. I sang Cold Water by Justin Bieber to her, implying that depression is normal. I think she did not find it very helpful.

freaking out.

I’m totally freaking out right now. My heart is reacing because I’m just a few miles away from seeing Frank Yang. Yes, Frank Yang may be in Hanoi right now. I literally screamed out loud the moment I saw his girlfriend Instagram post with the location:”Hà Nội”.

I’m not even sure if he is in Hà Nội or not. But if he does, I want to meet him so bad. I started watching his video since 2013 or 2012. He stroke me as an abstract, disruptive yet absolutely interesting to watch. Slowly he became a big inspiration to me for his outlandish and unapologetically way of being. A being, not a concept or a label like 99% of the population. An actual being scrapping the bottom and the tip top of existence.

Frank, if you are in Hà Nội. Let’s meet up. I want to thank you personally for all the mental gains from the inspiration and also would love to discuss farther topics.

Thoughts on Braveheart (1995) and Apocalypto (2006)

This is so so good for me to just write a little piece of thoughts on Facebook. I want to lure people into seeing it so I didn’t write as long as I should. But since this is my own private realm, I reckon it is the more suitable place to flush out all of my thoughts and feelings.

  1. Braveheart. This film left me with the feeling of empowerment. William Wallace lived his live with a clear purpose: to be free. That’s his whole philosophy of living. Everyman dies, but not everyman trully lives. And this statement resonates with me so much. To trully live means to live in freedom, to fight for your peace, to follow your heart, till death.
  2. Apocalypto. This film is so strange, so disruptive and like nothing i have seen before. My brother showed me years ago and I thought this was some B-movies garbage with low budgets. Well little did i know, that low budgets flared is one of the factors that make this movie so great. Unlike most Hollywood big shots, Apocalypto has zero white characters, the whole casts are mostly unknown actors at that time. The film is dubbed in Mayan dialect to increase authenticity. What a boss move from Gibson! Apocalypto tells a story of the downfall of Mayan empire from a new and fresh perspective.

Hoa. 1:13 17/11/16

The title means flower in Vietnamese. In case you didn’t know, I’m a Vietnamese boy. I’m 17, senior high schooler, which mean i’m in the spring of my life.

And my life has been in blossom for quite a while. I’m loving life! A rare thing for a senior guy to state. Peers are up to their necks with work. So many complaints on workload being too stressful, so many questions unaddressed or guidance for their near future. I get it. University is scary, choosing a major that will benefit potential career is something you have to consider over and over again. Young people must think deep and hard on these matters. That’s why it’s so troublesome for the majority.

“Why are you always so happy? Don’t you have problems to worry about?”, a girl asked me today. Well, I do. But let’s really think about how important our problems are.
Major in universities. Flash news for those who don’t know yet. Universities are NOT that important. Dont get me wrong, if you want to be a doctor, a lawyer, or any profession that require surgical training and in-depth studying. Study and go to college. You have to go there, no question. But you are like me, and many others, who want to learn business, art, history, philosophy, culture,… many many more fields, universities can not a guarantee of well-paid jobs, decent life. That was true in the heyday of our grandpops, but

“time they a changin” – bob dylan.

And if come to terms with the fact that your biggest problem right now is not that big, other doors open! Universities are really good, but they are not the messiah. Duh! There are so much more awaiting out there to be explored, cultivated. Take that burden, that package of stress off your shoulder and revaluate that. Do you really need to put on so much stress? Do you really need to study that hard? If you die right now, would you wish you had studied harder? 

Nah fam. Not everyone needs to be a doctor, a lawyer, right? Chill out a little. I would not want to grab the flower of life and force it to grow the way it isn’t supposed to grow.

If you are stressed out of your mind about college and university. Don’t worry, you always have a plan B. The wold is a gigantic flower blooming like the tube of the gramophone. The Internet is insanely efficient at creating new ways of learning. You can read free books on anything you like, whenever you like, wherever you like. You can pay money and join a seminar, a workshop that brings just as much value to your understanding as a formal classroom. Information is all over the place. Are you going to embrace it as hard as you study for college?

You have the power of choice. It’s not 1945 anymore.

At my tiny cozy flat. 1:06 17/11/2016.

I should sleep now. This picture has flower. Relevant, i guess.

Current state of mind.

Recently, I feel like I’m 5 years old all over again. 

That joy of breathing the fresh air (even tho it’s not so fresh where I live) whenever I bike my way back to my tiny little flat. My mind would shut down, no thoughts, no worries, no deep-philosophical shit would pass my mind. Only my feet pushing against the pedals, my eyes seeing the green leaves, the breeze I feel of autumn wind. Especially the cozy smell of a temple/shrine on a special day. I can soak that in all day! Hanoi trully feels like home now.

What was I like when i was 5? Great question, I was a super confident child, who thought he was basically some sort of demi-god, capable of everything. And people would love me for my outrageous way of speaking, expressing myself. I remember that I felt incredibly happy there, nothing could ever stop me. I thought I knew how the factory worked just by looking and analysing a pack of milk! I would bla bla about how the worker must have handled there procedures, and how the trucks delivered the packs to all the stores, and then to me. I also felt so suprior to my peers, because they were mentally retared for thinking that when we take a nap at noon, it means we will wake up the next day. Fucking retarded children. I tried to explain how time worked, but they just looked at me strange, which even increased the feeling of supermacy in me.

Now, I’m not that cocky anymore, luckily. I cant insult everyone that is retarded in my mind. Otherwhile I would be screaming all day lol.

But I’m regaining that sense of self-esteem. The confidence that went away because of the boxes that society put on me. 

I was told I cant do that, I have no talent. And I believed them. I put the boxes on my mind too. I limited myself just because of the opinions of others. After the limitation is instilled, I feel so small like I have nothing to contribute, like my voice cant be heard, like there is no meaning to my existence.

There will times that these limitation come right back, dragging me down again. But for now, no more!

I FEEL LIKE KANYE! And it  is so awesomeeeeee.

This is me, doing the Pharaoh dance, taken by my brother when I was 10. I was still a cocky little child in this pic lol.

Lotteria NKT. 13:18, 15/11/2016.

Did I miss something?

I feel like i have missed something. I feel like there must have been a few phases of my life that I have skipped.

This is what I have been taught by my mom, my dad, my teachers, my peers, my society:

First you must be an excellent student. When school is finished, you must be someone who makes a lot of money and has a high social status, someone who others look up to and admire, an inspiration of sort. Then you must continue to climb the social ladder, marry a fine girl, have some children.

Then you can be happy. 

That is the blueprint, the ideal path that leads to a “fulfilling”,”worthy” life. You must crave for more, fight for more, struggle for more.You must endure hardship, the ups and downs of the journey to achieve Greatness. Only by this way, as society said, can you be satisfied with your current state, can you let go and enjoy, can you be HAPPY. 

Shit. I’m 17. And I’m happy as fuck. I wake up and do what I love to do. I read, I do my research. I socialize, get together with friends, share a couple of dirty jokes and laugh like a bunch of hyenas. I’m pretty content with my life.

But I used to worship that blueprint, I used to have a grand vision of how big I’m going to make it in life, I used to be obssessed with success. But now I realized, all those external forces, all the shining medals, the money, the luxurious $ $ are the biggest lie we have deceived ourselves. 

Don’t get me wrong, we can not live without materialistic necessity, but are we blowing its importance out of propotion? Yes. Yes we are.

We are neglecting the essential ingredient, your soul. Are you in good terms with your values, your beliefs? When was the last time you did some reflection on the purposes of your doings? Are you happy?

All that being said, I chose a different path. It’s pretty lonely here. I dont see alot of people on this road so it makes me question my decisions in life, whether I make the right turns at the crossroads. I don’t have much plans as my peers, they seem so oriented, all rushing to chase something. A goal, a destination.

I’m still so young, if Im already happy. Will my life be better or worse for this? I dont know, just have to wait and see.

Funny to think about it, if I already got the end result, if I have already “made it”, society can’t tell me nothing.

00.49. 7/11/2016. Sleep.

This is a pic of me looking pretty relaxed and happy.

How far have you travelled?

Tell me now.How far have you travelled? Have you been to the ocean? Have you seen the mountains? Have you felt the breeze fondling your skin on a long country road, while biking through a green, fresh paddy field, full of that precious spring atmosphere.

I dont think you need to. You should, but you don’t need to.

Supposed you are around my age, surely you have gone to the Mountains of Joy, the Ocean of Sadness, the Lake of Isolation. You must have seen how Tides of Memories, of Nostalgia rise and fall, frequently or scarcely. If so, in a twisted way, you have already travelled a lot. I have seen some shit too. And all are parts of a bigger picture, a collective consciousness that we call inner journey, travelling through range of emotions, feelings…

But why does all the places i have just mentioned above don’t become tourist attractions? Why aren’t we consciously setting our actions to experience more, to feel more, to see more of that inner wonders. I’m not saying that actually travelling isn’t worthwhile, it is, I’m saying we are not balancing justly yet.

May be diving in the inner journey isn’t what we are taught at schools? May be it’s a bit scarry to go to some dark places, when you are traumatized, petrified, terrified. But you can’t push it down and hope it to decompose either, face the music. Go there, travel without travelling. Develop your tenderness, sensiblity to the surrounding, increase  the awareness of your own body.

Watch some movies and cry your eyeballs out.

Read a poetry and try to feel it in your body.

Learn to understand art. That shit is really really good.

Imma end with this.

Outter journey (REAL travelling) is the stuff that you see on the screen in the movies. Inner journey is the light that determines whether the film is blurry, colourful, UHD or just 144pixel like a potatoes. You must have both for the film to be good.

Dont forget that light. It’s just as importance.

Just a pic i took, feeling the breeze internally and externally.

AT my favourite steak place. To Hieu. Alone at 12h43. I should leave now. The waiters and waitresses are looking at me strange.
#innerjourney #art #travel

What am I doing here?

It has been forever since i last put my feelings and thoughts in English. I tried to use my mother toungue in writing as much as I could to expand my audience. After awhile, it felt awkward.

Enough with the sidenotes.

I am living my life outside the realm of social standards, value systems, which is slowly but surely making me feel disoriented, baffled, kind of lost.

 Schooling is often tiring, homework is neglected, especially Math and other Science subjects. I just do enough to have an acceptable grade, not to disappoint my mom and dad. I choose to spend my time learning outside of classrooms. 

Books on skills, personal development, tons of videos on personal development, conversation with friends, intelligent, brilliant friends. Understanding culture is my most noticable, current passion, or at least interest. Luckily, I can channel this to about 3 subjects: literature, history, geography. And also English, but that doesn’t really count. I can work hard on these, insanely hard. Because they drive me, excite me, stimulate my brain, in other words, make me feel alive. But I can’t dive nose into this right now and abandonning everything else.

 Let’s say I have found what makes me tick, what now? What do I do with all of this energy? What should I do? How can I balance all of these fields?

Fuck. Life of a 17 year old boy who are about to face college spawns endless questions. And sadly, the adults, the teachers don’t have the answer for most of it. They can’t give me insights that they don’t have. I know it is unfair to overgeneralize all the adults, but from my situation, more than 90% don’t know what the fuck is going on. So be careful, your parents may love you truly, but they simply are not wise enough to satisfy your spritual, intellectual pursuit.

I guess I’m lost . I’m a halfass who standing at a crosspoint. Well, but at least i’m 17, if i fuck up, there’s still plenty of time to learn and move on.

I like how oddly aesthetic my face decided to look. 

1.06 a.m. N’s place. 3/11/2016.