What am I doing here?

It has been forever since i last put my feelings and thoughts in English. I tried to use my mother toungue in writing as much as I could to expand my audience. After awhile, it felt awkward.

Enough with the sidenotes.

I am living my life outside the realm of social standards, value systems, which is slowly but surely making me feel disoriented, baffled, kind of lost.

 Schooling is often tiring, homework is neglected, especially Math and other Science subjects. I just do enough to have an acceptable grade, not to disappoint my mom and dad. I choose to spend my time learning outside of classrooms. 

Books on skills, personal development, tons of videos on personal development, conversation with friends, intelligent, brilliant friends. Understanding culture is my most noticable, current passion, or at least interest. Luckily, I can channel this to about 3 subjects: literature, history, geography. And also English, but that doesn’t really count. I can work hard on these, insanely hard. Because they drive me, excite me, stimulate my brain, in other words, make me feel alive. But I can’t dive nose into this right now and abandonning everything else.

 Let’s say I have found what makes me tick, what now? What do I do with all of this energy? What should I do? How can I balance all of these fields?

Fuck. Life of a 17 year old boy who are about to face college spawns endless questions. And sadly, the adults, the teachers don’t have the answer for most of it. They can’t give me insights that they don’t have. I know it is unfair to overgeneralize all the adults, but from my situation, more than 90% don’t know what the fuck is going on. So be careful, your parents may love you truly, but they simply are not wise enough to satisfy your spritual, intellectual pursuit.

I guess I’m lost . I’m a halfass who standing at a crosspoint. Well, but at least i’m 17, if i fuck up, there’s still plenty of time to learn and move on.

I like how oddly aesthetic my face decided to look. 

1.06 a.m. N’s place. 3/11/2016.