Into the belly of the beast


Everything is so god damn quiet. I can hear the fuzzing of my own brain, it bothers me.

They say there’s a calm before a storm, this must be it. This holiday seems to be more of a curse than a bliss. It furthur propels me into the Void – fancy word for laziness and disorientation.

I am indifferent, apathetic and uninterested at the moment. I feel like a drunken old man who’s so fed up with life that he wants to kill himself but too lazy and coward to do it. I don’t even want to write this piece, why am i even writing this? No idea.

I believe in a few things. One of them is that every man (and woman) has his own journey in life, and there will be times that you have absolutely no motivation, no purpose, no nothing. I knew this state of mind will come, and I have made a plan to counter and remain productive. I failed. I fell into binge watching youtube videos, porn and masturbation.

I’m not sad, I’m just operating from a lower consciousness.

I once heard a story about Jonah. He got swallowed by a beast. And in the beast’s belly, miracle happens. He prayed and prayed… Something, which i have yet to know, happened.

It’s a positive ending so don’t worry about Jonah, worry about me instead.

Thinking about that story keeps me somewhat positive about the near future. Just somewhat.

Diary no4 010317

Happy new year from me.

I have just woken up from a long sleep, may be too long.

I had a few dreams, I want to write about them.

1. The chase.

It was midnight. I was sitting down on a shore in a forest-ish environment, looking at the sea, talking to a old drunk man.

I told him that recently I haven’t been a very upstanding son to my parents. I told him that I had raised my voice with mom and told my mom that she was a bitch. He didn’t like it.

The sky lit up with a lightning. He held me close with his strong grip as he yelled:”A sign!” The sky was bright again, lightning stroke right next to where we sat, only 2 meters away.

“Bad children must be punished!”

I stood up and ran as fast as I could. It was thrilling. I was excited and scared at the same time.

That old man ran like he was possessed, laughing hysterically behind me. He got closer and closer. He grabbed me and pulled me down.

End of dream.

2. The siege.

I dreamt that there was a world going on in an urban place, tall buildings and long roads.

The barbarians were taking hold of the highest towers. The leader was Bane, a big, buff, ruthless monster.

I joined a Special Force team, sneaking into the towers to open the gates, break their defense system.

We did it, our amry charged in. The barbarians knew they would lose.

They fought till the end. I battled Bane single-handedly. His arm is the size of my body. He was strong and fast! I don’t know how, but i got him to a position that I could choke him to death. He resisted it.

The barbarian next to me reached his hand toward me, squeezing my leg. Really fucking tight. Bane yelled:”Break his leg for me!” I did not scream when his hand twisted my leg.

But then, Bane, with every power left in him, bit off my leg.

3. The gala

Mom and dad got me dressed up, fixed my manners, told me how to drink, eat, what to carry with me in my pockets.

I fucking hated it. We were a few hours late to the gala. My friends looked at me and shook their heads. I was supposed to help them set up the gala.

I cried, out of frustration, out of helplessness. They were my parents, they always knew what was the best for me. Then what the hell is happening?

I hugged dad, told him to calm down.

“Your son has grown up now. Thank you dad. I love you.”

4. The studio.

I dreamt that i got into the studio with a guy named Lil Yatchy. He taught me how to make a song.

I tried to make a song for my mom. Didn’t finish it.