Action Speak Louder than Words

Ironically, those are the words to live by.

It seems that common sense is not so common in these days. Everyone has heard of this saying but few has actually listened.

I’m no exception. My mouth is way ahead of my actions. And it’s only now that I have somewhat come to the conclusion of how delusional most people are about their “vision”.

Everyone has goals, believes, dreams to fulfill but few have the courage, the resilience to follow through with it. Take New Year Resolution for example, people always overexaggerate what they can do for a week but underestimate what they can do in a year.

I always think I can be that, be this. I can amount to great things and achieve wonders. But those were just words as drifty as sand castles on a raging beach.

I have to take that sandy mouth of mine and turn into hard iron, action.

This daily journal is a transformation for me. This is the 43th day. This also is my 6th day of mediation. This is also the third week I’m back at the gym. All of my action has just started their baby steps. If I can keep my words, my self-esteem will quadruple.

Also, this can also be a good way to filter out people. Next time if I were to be judging anther person, I would just look at his action. His words don’t mean shit.

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I did it all today

I did everything I was supposed to do today!

I hit the gym even when I was tired. I meditated the first thing in the morning. I went to the Math class even when I much preferred to stay cuddling with my lovely girlfriend. And at night, I finished my Literature essay and wrote something.

It feels good to be able to accomplish your daily task.

But I find that I don’t know when to stop. It’s 2 A.M now. I should have slept 2 hours ago. The last 2 hours was spent surfing the web, having chit chat conversations that can be shrunk to 5 minutes. I will get this under control if my free days ahead were to come to a fruitful, productive pace.

I will stop this.

Tomorrow is the first free day. I’m no longer tied to highschool. It feels really liberating in a way. I will squeeze it into a productive day. The first thing I do when I wake up is continue with my 6th meditation day. Then immediately make myself some protein shake and go dive in Literature once again.

Noon is time for my girl. Gym is for the afternoon. Evening is for class. And night is for Bac Ninh.

Daily Journal #42

30 05 2017 2 AM

Tiny Flat

Quick Update

Today, the evening was shaky. Me and my girlfriend talked.

The afternoon was good. It’s very inspiring to meet up with my 2 big brothers from America.

The morning, everything went according to plan.

Tomorrow, I make up in my literature. I try as much time alone to do my homework as possible.

Tomorrow is the final show of highshool, i am not that emotional. I understand why. It’s all karma.

Daily Journal #41

1h08AM

29 05 2017

A Night To Remember

Tonight is the last night of my high school life.

And I’m still stuck in my head for most of the time. I keep thinking about whether I’m fitted for this school, whether I’m cool in this school, whether I have any impact. I kept thinking and thinking.

All these thinking makes my mind go anxious and unease. In some way, I feel like I’m still just that tenth-grade boy after all.

I feel so insecure, small and crippled by the presence of others in this school. I told myself that:”If I were to be a leader in this school, I wouldn’t be feeling any of this, I would be crying, I would be drowned in sadness.” But on other side, I told myself that:”I’m not fit for this school, I have my own thing and I don’t have to follow their way.”

May be I’m right, may be I’m bullshitting myself. But there’s a few certain things. I’m insecure and crippled with fear whenever there’s a school activity that takes place. I have never poured my heart and soul to do anything for this school.

And I could have tried to change that. I could have tried to really test if I’m fitted or not. Instead, I just keep wondering in my own head.

I have to be more rational, to have more common sense, to be grounded, to stay away from all the noises and toxic stories that my mind makes up.

This summer, I am grounded.

*****

Tomorrow, people will take a day off. I am not. It’s a chance that I will take to catch up a little bit.

I wake up, meditate and have breakfast with Hoang’s family. It’s a noisy but warm household. They like me and I like them. They have a really popular dog. His name is Mun. He likes me too.

I go home. I make love to Math until noon. I have a date with brother Viet at 3pm so I have to get ready. I take the Math paper and the biography of Benjamin Franklin with me. I have bun cha for lunch, go straight to the bus stop and take a bus to Hoan Kiem Lake. I will have myself a delicious tea and wait for him.

After that, I go to Nhung’s place. We hug and cuddle. I try really hard and finish my Literature.

I write again and I go to sleep.

It’s a lovely day tomorrow.

Daily Journal #39

28 05 2017 1h33AM

Hoang’s home.

Starting a new habit

I’m starting a new journey. From now on, I meditate for at least 15 minutes a day. Preferably right when I wake up.

School is ending in 3 days. That means it’s all up to me to control my time and schedule my activities. So setting up a new anchor is a good idea.

And I have always been hopping on and off with meditation for years.

Plus I have come close to officially set a seal on my journalling habit. So my next posts are my experiences with meditating.

I do a sort of mindfulness meditation. The technique is fairly simple.

  1. Sit comfortably
  2. Inhale for 6 seconds
  3. Hold for 3 seconds
  4. Exhale for 6 seconds
  5. Hold for 3 seconds
  6. Repeat it 3 times
  7. Scan: from the top of my head to the tip of my toe

This is my 4th day of meditation.

***

Tomorrow is the day I have my last class. It is emotional, all of the sudden the hidden feelings surface as we prepare to say goodbye to each other. The journey for each of us still lies ahead, yet our companion has come to a end.

I wake up early. 6.30, before my dad calls. I call him first and ask if he and my mom will come to our school in the evening. I will really appreciate if I can take a photo with them in this school. It’s my highschool graduation day tomorrow. I mediatate for 15 minutes. It’s 6h55. I sneak into my school without wearing the school uniform. Sorry mr.Khanh, i’m just very lazy. I write my 15 minutes essay in the first class. Then the rest is time for celebrating the day.

At night, I write to solidify the experience and post it on Facebook. It gains 77 likes before the day. I guess everyone is emotional these days.

Tomorrow I am sweet, I am kind, I am expansive and I am grateful. I’m proud of my classmates and my time spent at this highschool.

If I could go back, I would not change any external circumstances, they are all mine and mine alone. So exchanging them for something better is incomprehensible as they would form a different me. I love myself at the moment.

Daily journal #38

00h21

27 05 2017

Nhung Nhuc’s place.

Tomorrow is a lovely day.

So today turnt out to be actually quite productive. I sat down for an hour for Math. Hit the class. Read some book. Exercised.

Tomorrow is a lovely day to. It’s cool, the weather is still figuring out if it wants to skip summer and jump straight to fall or not. My bike’s hind tire needs pumping. I ride to school without an earphone, but it’s okay, the streets are much lighter when summer is approaching. The lazies stay indoor.

I have my Literature test with me. I do the first Half of the test in exactly 30 minutes. I’m getting fluent with this. Oh, and I drink my protein shake before leaving the house too. No rush.

I spend my noon with the Sealnet friends, it’s nice to get together once more. They are still figuring things out. I like being around Uyên also.

The afternoon is where I learn not to repeat my mistake. I call Nhung and ask her to wake me up. I sleep for 30 minutes. Dizzy as fuck at first, drink 2 cups of water then hit the gym. It’s about 4h20.

I take a shower again. Then go all out in Math until Nhung picks me up and we have dinner together. She cooks for me. I’m adjusting to her taste. The night is dedicated to my new friend, mr Blue Math Notebook. I spend 3 hours with him.

Then I write. And I hug Nhung and we cuddle into sleep.

Daily Journal #37

00h23 25 05 17

Tiny flat.

I really got nothing to write about.

I woke up at around 9. Went to school but noone was there. I had my breakfast at 9.30. Went to bank at 10.20

Played video game and eat a lot of pasta until 1.30. Sleep until 5.20. Went to the gym from 5.30 to 6.15.

Got something to eat with my girl then headed home at 8. Watched Youtube until 9.20. Learned 2 poems until 11.

Watched youtube again until now.

I feel like because I’m not using much of my energy so it is slowly decreasing by the day and leaving me tired.

Tomorrow is a productive day. I wake up at 6.30 and meditate to shock my system up. Go to school and eat a delicious Doner Kebab, may be drink a Nutriboost. I write 2 first parts of the 2 Literature tests that I will receive from my friend. I head take a bus and be home at around 10.20. I immediately start reading the blue Math Notebook.

At 12, I eat a 30k dishes at Nguyễn Khánh Toàn. It’s a bit short on rice but it has delicious meat. I read my Road of Islam until I am so tired that I need a quick nap. But I soon wake up and hit the gym. After a cold shower, I’m ready for my Math class. Back from the class, I dine at my favorite place, a bánh quán stall. I read the Blue Math Book again and then I feel so tired that I decided to brush my teeth, write this and went to sleep.

Daily Journal #36 

00h48

25 05 2017

Mental Progress Update

Recently I’ve been taking a more grounded approach in assessing things. It is required of me to do so for I am in the least likely time for fantasies, dreams and rainbows to thrive.

I need to stay grounded to study, to eat and to grow.

Really being honest with myself seems to be the first step to discipline.

Daily Journal #35

2h25 AM

240517

Một Bài Thử

Tôi đã quay lại phòng tập chính thức được 1 tuần. Bắt đầu từ những bài tập cơ bản nhất, với số tạ khiêm tốn hết mức có thể. Tôi một phần hơi e ngại vì có những lúc chỉ cầm một thanh ngang mà không có miếng tạ nào đưa lên đẩy xuống. Quay trở lại thời điểm ban đầu, xuất phát từ vạch số không lại một lần nữa.

Lần đầu tôi đi tập đã cách đây đến bốn năm. Lúc đó xung quanh thậm chí còn chưa có ai cùng khóa có ý định gì về việc nâng tạ, thể hình, tôi mon men làm quen với tạ như bẽn lẹn như một thằng trai rụt rè đang bối rối trong cuộc hẹn đầu tiên với người yêu.

Và bây giờ, 18 tuổi, thân hình tôi chả khác mấy từ những năm lớp 8. 50,9kg tại 173cm, còm nhom và khả năng rất cao đang suy dinh dưỡng. Không có một chút dấu hiệu nào của một người từng dành đến gần trăm buổi tập xuyên suốt 4 năm qua.

Tôi vẫn nhớ mình đã nghĩ cơ thể mình sẽ cường tráng và cuồn cuộn đến mức nào, kế hoạch tăng cân của mình sẽ hiệu quả ra làm sao, sự thay đổi sẽ khiến mọi người trầm trồ ngưỡng mộ đến mức nào. Chỉ đến lớp 12 thôi, tôi sẽ thành một con người hoàn toàn khác.

Có thể thấy, tôi đã thất bại hoàn toàn. Tôi đã tin vào những lời phù phiếm mà đầu óc tự vẽ ra mà không chịu bắt tay vào hành động bền bỉ. Tất cả những kế hoạch trên đều được thực hiện trong 1 tuần, 2 tuần, giỏi lắm là 1 tháng rồi lại chững lại, bấp bênh và cứ từ từ bị quên bẵng đi.

Tôi không có đủ kỷ luật cá nhân để hoàn thành kế hoạch. Tôi không có đủ sự kiên trì để không nản trí trước những ngày dài chẳng thấy xi nhê thay đổi gì. Tôi không có đủ sự tỉ mỉ, tận tâm để theo dõi và điều tiết kế hoạch của mình.

Tôi hay đổ tại thể trạng mình không tốt, rằng đó là gen ông trời cho, rằng kiếp này là kiếp gầy gò. “Không phải lỗi tại mình, chắc chắn là do hoàn cảnh” là những lời tôi hay tự nói với bản thân.

Nhưng ta lừa ai chứ không bao giờ thực sự lừa được chính mình.

Tôi dần thấy bạn bè tôi thực sự tạo được thay đổi. Thằng trong ảnh kia tên Duy, nó cũng từng gầy nhòm như cò do giống tôi. Nó không cần “đọc nhiều, hiểu nhiều, biết rộng” như tôi. Nó chẳng cần đến những thứ cao siêu hay các phương pháp tập tiên tiến nhất.

Nó chỉ cần sự đều đặn và kỷ luật. Nó không ngại dồn bản thân mình đến giới hạn để bứt phá và phát triển. Nó không ngại những ngày ăn ngấu ăn nghiến đến mức phát tởm buồn nôn để đập tan cái hình mẫu cũ.

Và từng bước, ngoắt một cái ngoảnh lại, trong vòng khoảng 4 tháng, tôi ngỡ ngàng trước cái kén của nó. Như thể nó đã nuốt chửng chính mình bằng nghị lực để lòi ra một thân dạng mới to gấp đôi cái kén trước. Nó đang trên con đường trở thành BEAST.

Nó sẽ còn tiến xa.

Còn tôi thì sao? Phải gỡ bõ dối trá và thành thật với thanh tạ thôi.

Daily Journal #34

12h01 23 05 2017

Tiny Flat

Taking An Honest Look At Myself

I’m full of shit.

I talk big, dream big but act like I’m entitled to those flashy alternative realities.

The truth is my talk is not backed by my action.

I don’t like what I’m doing right now so I have convinced myself that it is not likely that I will have the willpower to endure it.

“You can only do what you love right?” That’s what I have been telling myself. But to be honest, I don’t believe I’m doing the right thing. I think I’m scared to put in the actual work. I think I don’t want to face this harsh truth.

I don’t even want to zoom out and make this a philosophical view point on life.

This is just a fact: My action does not back up my talk.

So either I have to shut up and adjust my statements or I have to get my shit together.

Daily Journal #33

23h20 21 05 2017