Tonight is the last night of my high school life.
And I’m still stuck in my head for most of the time. I keep thinking about whether I’m fitted for this school, whether I’m cool in this school, whether I have any impact. I kept thinking and thinking.
All these thinking makes my mind go anxious and unease. In some way, I feel like I’m still just that tenth-grade boy after all.
I feel so insecure, small and crippled by the presence of others in this school. I told myself that:”If I were to be a leader in this school, I wouldn’t be feeling any of this, I would be crying, I would be drowned in sadness.” But on other side, I told myself that:”I’m not fit for this school, I have my own thing and I don’t have to follow their way.”
May be I’m right, may be I’m bullshitting myself. But there’s a few certain things. I’m insecure and crippled with fear whenever there’s a school activity that takes place. I have never poured my heart and soul to do anything for this school.
And I could have tried to change that. I could have tried to really test if I’m fitted or not. Instead, I just keep wondering in my own head.
I have to be more rational, to have more common sense, to be grounded, to stay away from all the noises and toxic stories that my mind makes up.
This summer, I am grounded.
Tomorrow, people will take a day off. I am not. It’s a chance that I will take to catch up a little bit.
I wake up, meditate and have breakfast with Hoang’s family. It’s a noisy but warm household. They like me and I like them. They have a really popular dog. His name is Mun. He likes me too.
I go home. I make love to Math until noon. I have a date with brother Viet at 3pm so I have to get ready. I take the Math paper and the biography of Benjamin Franklin with me. I have bun cha for lunch, go straight to the bus stop and take a bus to Hoan Kiem Lake. I will have myself a delicious tea and wait for him.
After that, I go to Nhung’s place. We hug and cuddle. I try really hard and finish my Literature.
I write again and I go to sleep.
It’s a lovely day tomorrow.
Daily Journal #39
28 05 2017 1h33AM