TEST IS DONE. THE FUTURE IS NOW.

First off, the test is over. Second off, I do not feel like this.

ROCKY IV, Sylvester Stallone, 1985, © MGM / Courtesy: Everett Collection

It might have to do with the fact that I had little troubles taking the test. Sure, I did not score perfectly in Math and there was still room for improvement in my essay. But overall, it was kind of underwhelming after I finished. I didn’t feel any rush of excitement nor feel any urge to take a breath of relief. I kept telling myself that this was just like any other test to calm myself down, and turned out, it actually was.

All the hype and speculation, all the fears and doubts now seem so vague and ridiculous. I’m even a bit sad because it wasn’t as hard as I wanted it to be. I wanted to bleed a little, to have some battle exam scars or crazy experience, to have memorable materials to form a cool story. This was a let-down. I did good. My Math was better than I expected it to be. My English was perfect. My Literature was on point. I got lucky here and there in my preparation. I breathed into my balls and kept my calm in all three subjects, I was meticulous and careful. I performed well. I expect to score at around 25 or 26 in three subjects.

So here I am, officially at the turning point of my life. I have crossed that threshold i once dreaded. I’m one step closer to freedom. But this is the tricky part. Everyone is thinking of partying and having fun. Everyone is thinking of letting themselves loose for a couple of months. I am so tempted to go along with that crowd. It’s so easy to get lazy and disoriented.

But I know if I did that, all my hopes and aspirations would never come to fruition. I would waste my life doing what everybody is doing and arising to nothing. I don’t want that life, and here’s another opportunity for me to get ahead. It’s time I stepped ahead of the pack. I must be extra focused, extra determined, and extra driven. I have promised myself that I would make a movie and that’s what I shall do. I have been going to the gym for the last month and that’s what I shall continue to do. I have been focused in my studying and I shall now direct that energy into bettering myself and getting closer to where I want to be.

This is still all very vague. The first thing to do is planning out what direction I would go in the next 2 weeks, the time when everyone falls apart.

Daily Journal #62

23h20 23 06 2017

Gala Hotel, next to Amsterdam High School.

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TEST IS TOMORROW

Good morning everybody. Yes, I have managed to get up before noon. What an amazing feat of accomplishment! Last night was hard to sleep, perhaps I shouldn’t have drunken that tea when I had dinner; it kept me up until 2. On the other hand, thinking about the plans I have in store for the future also got me excited and wide awake. I have decided to make more movies. So at around 2 A.M last night, I got up and went to the bathroom to document myself about the University Exam. I realize how awesome it would be to have concrete data about one of the most memorable time of my life. Imagine 30 years from now, and I can see the beginning of the journey, the young and naive self of mine, unknowingly talking about the future.

And everyone should do this. We know live in a place and time where technology has brought along the future. Just with a simple 0,3 kilogram device that you can hold in your pocket, you have an entire camera crew with you: from visual to audio to storage. We can film everywhere at anytime. We can document our life! So you don’t have to be fancy about your equipment, just pick up a phone and start recording your current state of mind.

The best thing about documenting your life is that it can keep track of your transformation. Let’s say you were 4 when you started documenting. And let’s say now you are 18, like me. That would have been 14 years worth of data. You can see yourself the puberty comes, the innocence and purity of the young minds. The growth captured in films would be astonishing! And we are just 18, imagine how crazy it will be to be looking back from 80. We can have an archive of our entire life right in front of our eyes. And through that documentation, endless stories, memories will be preserved and intact. The day that you met the girl you like, the day that you proposed to her, the day you had the first son… All will be captured in front of your hands.

That’s pretty powerful to actually possess such an ability.


BIG DAY TOMORROW

Today is the last day before the test. How fast time has flown by. I remember just like yesterday when there was still 50 days apart. But that’s how life works, isn’t it? It just keep rolling and rolling down the hill whether you like it or not. And look what we have rolled into, the grand and notorious university entrance exam of the Great Vietnam. To be honest, I’m not worried yet. I’m not worried about the actual test, but I might be a little a bit unease about some dumb shit that may happen. May be I will wake up too late, may be I will have a stomachache…

Relax Khanh. Take a deep breath and meditate. You got this. Don’t get caught up in the stress or it will slow you down. Acknowledge it, be aware of it, but don’t give in to it.

I need a proper rest today. Hit the gym, have good food and sleep early. I will look into everything one more time, just to revise the poems. I will need all of my strength for tomorrow. I won’t be writing in tomorrow time probably, as the test takes place quite early in the morning. So I will be updating as soon as possible, may be at around 4 o’clock in the evening.

Not gonna lie, my hands and arms are a little bit trembling, shaking with anxiety. May be the stress has come, may be it’s time I got worried. But it’s okay, I’m allowed to be worried. It’s a big big test in world where tests still have a major influence over how you are perceived in the public eyes. I tell myself I’m not unhinged by the public. I am what I am and that’s all I will be. Remember that Khanh. You will love yourself no matter what. You will treat yourself like it’s your son, your father, your everything. And one test at the beginning of life can not test your love for yourself. Be stronger than that.


It’s a quarter past ten, I will need to hit the gym soon. My chest has seen a little bit of progress. Muscles have been formed in my upper chest, I can feel it contract more now when I do incline and bench press. The cable squeeze is still a bit problematic, I don’t know if I have the correct form or not. It’s time for the gym now!

Daily Journal #60

10h18

21 06 2017

Tiny Flat

Lid of Emotion | A Plan for the Future

I may have fucked up my Wordpress layout. It looked out of proportion and messy now. I realize I’m quite of a visual guy, who often obsess over small details, the fonts, the layout imagery, the overall proportion. I love it when a website can capture my attention and drag me in with its visual. The easier it is for the eyes, the easier it will be for the brain. That being said, my page is looking horrible. I may or may not changing to Medium because of this.

WordPress seems quite disconnect as a social platform. After 3 months of consistently using it, I have no idea how or what the world of other WordPress users is. Partly because I wasn’t trying to reach out, partly because WordPress didn’t lure me in. I have just checked out the Discovery tab in the Reader. I didn’t know that many people used WordPress. It’s funny for me to see someone having 13 million followers on here, because I have a feeling I’m the only user here.


PLAN FOR THE FUTURE

But I should do more digging into the Discovery. I’m looking for a new goal. After I have my free time, I will definitely be making films, documentaries, vlogs… I wonder how my writing will fit in with my future expressing repertoire. The word “repertoire” sounds so fancy. I want to be able to express myself. I want to speak, I want to scream, I want to chant, I want to chat, I want to discuss, I want to converse,  I want to connect.

I know I have something within me that is valuable for others, and the more I can extract, the more entertained, educated, informed people would be. It’s a novel goal to give back and care for other people. But truthfully, it feels so good to be heard and appreciated. I do it first and foremost for myself, not for any humanitarian driven motivation.

I need skills for that vision to happen. And the past year has significantly about improving my writing ability. I have gained much more competence and confidence in writing. I haven’t dabbled into creative writing yet, but just the fact that now I can comfortably voice out my opinion, my thoughts in a written platform is amazing. There’s still a lot of room for me to improve and horn my skills. I still have a long and bumpy road ahead.

But I have always wanted to do films. As far as I can remember, I have always wanted to be involved in films. I wanted to be an actor because an actor can be any body, doing anything. Now I want to be a film-maker to tell a story, any story that I find intriguing. Like I have mentioned above, visual has always been a thing of mine. Or may be because I just like flashy stuff. And it’s much easier to get a critique for a film than a for a writing. People can just use their overall sensibility to comprehend a film, and not have to think, reason and question like when they are reading a piece of literature.

So this summer, I will make films. I have confidence that I can edit a simple documentary. I will make a documentary on this Exam, this Test, The Test. I haven’t mapped out how exactly the film will be. I will do that on the evening of this Thursday.


CRACKING OPEN THE EMOTION LID

Last night, I was honest with myself and with Nhung about my addiction to porn. Yes, I’m addicted to porn. I have been addicted since I was 9. That’s 8 years of watching, reading pornographic material. I didn’t want to confront with this harsh truth, but this me coming out clean.

I feel like there’s a trauma hidden deep inside of my psyche that has led me to abusing porn. I can feel a lid, an emotion lid that’s suppressing those trapped emotion inside of me. Oddly enough, I can even feel where exactly that lid is on my body. But I can’t do anything about it. That’s what making me frustrated.

I want to face those inner demons. I’m sick and tired of being in the turbulence. I want to cry, I want to shout and scream in agony. I just want to let them a chance to be processed and finally let me be. Let me be free of these torments. I do not know how to do that yet. The closest thing to a catharsis I have achieved is meditation and stretching before working out. It cleanses my mind for a while. May be I should be doubling down on that.


 

The day after tomorrow is the big test. It’s coming. It’s here. And it’s okay. Today I will continue to revise Literature and do one more English test just for fun.

Daily Journal #60

10h10 A.M

20 06 2017

Nhung’s place

Diary no6 050317

Về nhà và nỗi sợ.
Gần 11h, tôi dành một ngày tại nhà. Ba tuần xa nhà có gì đó xa xăm. Tôi cứ ngỡ mình sẽ phải nhớ nhà lắm.

Nhưng có lẽ tôi đang dần thành một thằng con trai chai lì cảm xúc, hoặc cuộc sống tại Hà Nội của tôi đang trở nên thú vị hơn rất nhiều.

Hôm nay là Đêm hội dân gian tại Chuyên Bắc Ninh, sự kiện khá lớn. Tôi gặp rất nhiều bạn bè và người quen tại đây. Mặc dù phần nào cảm thấy được đón chào hơn, tôi vẫn cảm thấy lạc lõng. Cứ có gì đó buồn buồn, như thể tôi đang làm cái gì đó sai. Sâu thẳm là sai. Trực giác cứ rung lắc trong bụng tôi, gợi nhắc đầu óc ham chơi.

Toán. Nó bảo tôi vậy. Nó bảo tôi đi học toán đi. Toán.

Gần đây mọi việc đều chỉ cho tôi đến một đích. Tất cả những gì xảy đến đều hướmg tôi quay về một cái mớ bòng bong.

Cuộc đời muốn tôi học toán. Nghe có vẻ lạ lùng, nhưng tôi thực sự nghĩ có Đấng trên cao đang chỉ đường dẫn lối bằng những dấu hiệu này.

Cái môn chết tiệt này cứ lẽo đẽo làm phiền tôi phải đến 5 năm trời rồi.

Tôi chưa bao giờ thực sự cố gắng học toán kể từ năm lớp 7, tôi không còn dám học nữa. Tôi sợ nó. Tôi sợ phải quay lại từ đầu. Tôi sợ phải trải qua cái cảm giác bất lực, như thể cứ tự đập đầu vào tường hết lần này đến lần khác. Tôi thiếu niềm tin vào bản thân. Tôi sợ bị chê bai, trêu đùa bơur chúng bạn và thầy cô khi họ phát hiện ra tôi thực sự kém đến mức nào.

Và không phải lúc nào tôi cũng dám thẳng thắn nhìn nhận thế này. Thực ra trong lúc viết đống này thì tôi nên làm toán hơn.

Tôi luôn luôn nên làm toán. Mẹ kiếp.

Khi đời ném cho ta bài toán, ta phải giải cho chết mẹ nó đi.

Tôi sẽ dang tay và trao cái thân này cho toán.

It’s noon again. Another day of waking up late. I was awoke at around 10 but decided that I wanted to sleep in. Not necessary a bad thing, but seem like it does not help me building a good sleeping habit.

Nhung is beautiful. I’m so grateful that the first thing I saw in the day is her face, smiling over me with her lovely, big eyes. Her smile is so pure, so innocent, so angelic that it’s hard not to melt over and give her a little cuddle.

Good noon everybody and have lovely day. It was 12 o’clock when I woke up. I skipped yesterday and the day before that. I was in my home, feeling a bit lazy and eventually decided not to write. So it’s been today with a few things crossing my life.


READY FOR THE TEST?

The Test is coming in 4 days, but I no longer stress about it as much as I used to do. I can never be fully ready and I’m okay with that. No one can ever be completely ready for a test like this. There will always be something that you have overlooked, forgot to revise or never even come across. So it’s a lift from a mental burden to accept that we all have to jump into this without being one hundred percent ready.

And funny enough, this goes for life as well. You can never be full ready for something. There will always be doubts, fear and uncertainty ahead of us, things that operate out side of our control. Even if you have studied so hard, pushed through so many obstacles, spent all your time and effort, something can always go wrong: you can be too tired and not getting enough rest, or too anxious and lose your calm.

Life is chaotic and it has always been that way. We can accept that or be crippled by it. I can’t control everything and neither can you. There have been numerous times I launched myself into something that I’m not ready for. Sometimes it went to embarrassing failure; but it has also lead me to amazing things in life too. I would never have kissed a girl if I had waited to be ready. I would never have gone on amazing adventures if I had paused to search for the perfect opportunity. So in that sense, I have never been ready for them.

But don’t get me wrong, don’t get it twisted. Preparation is necessary. The failures I have made is mostly due to the lack of planning and preparation. It would be idiotic to take a risk that you have a 99% you will fail. We need to be calculated somewhat and meet the necessary requirements. You can’t expect to throw a grand, expansive party with zero plan on promoting, logistic, networking… I know this experience first hand, it’s a sour failure.

Pulling from opposite directions will get we far. One hand, you have to be grounded and realistic about what is required, what needs to be done. On the other hand, you have to accept that no matter what you do, things can always go sideways. That combo is what makes men great.


LAST PREPARATION: The 1/3

I have mentally prepared. I have got the mindset right. But a few things still need to be done. I still have to make one last revision on all three subjects: Math first, Literature second and English last.

I still have to be keep my mind sharp and not wonder into the ” I’m ready to die” mindset territory. There is still time for me to be opportunistic. In the last three, four days, I can still slip in some preparation that can tweak my skill set and improve my overall ability.

Today I will take my time and revise Math. I will look over carefully the basic formula of each branches. I will answer a few last remaining questions. And I will do one more Math test.

That’s for today. I will update before I go to bed.

The Proper Way To Deal With Mistake

It’s noon and I’ve just woken up. I have lost a morning to sleeping, Needless to say, I’m quite furious with myself. I have got a really bad sleeping routine. I stayed up until 4 A.M and slept until now.

I have got about 12 hours left of the day to make it count. I can not take back the lost time, but I can control what I’m going to do in the upcoming hours. Let’s not get furious and lose our cool. It’s no use to dwell on the past emotionally. What’s done is done. I can get up, dust off my shoulders and move on.


Wrongfully Dwelling On Mistakes

This is a thing that we do. We make a mistake and we beat ourselves over and over because of it. We think that’s a good way to remind ourselves not to repeat that mistake. We think that pain is a good incentive, a powerful whip that will ingrain in our consciousness the lesson if we beat ourselves hard enough. I do that to myself. Whenever I make a mistake, my reaction is to get angry, to be furious, to be very emotional. Let’s say today, I wake up late, my initial reaction was to talk trash about myself:” You’re a loser. I can’t believe you can still do that. Don’t you know that the Test is almost here. Why can you still sleep in. You don’t deserve to be loved…”

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The bad thing about that kind of negative, neurotic reaction is that I do not become more productive, I do not take better care of myself the next time, I do not make any changes. I know this from experience through numerous occasions: it keep coming back. So the whip does not work. Why doesn’t it work? I do not know yet a clear answer. But I think because it does not intelligently tackle the roots of the problem, it just trimmed out the branches, the surface and the symptoms.

I have never rationally asked myself: ” Why do you wake up so late?”

I stay up late so I wake up late. And if so, why don’t I get furious with myself from staying up late in the first place? Why do I keep watching videos after videos even though I clearly know what the consequences will be? Where’s the whip then?

The whip seems to be out of place. It’s a form of pseudo discipline. If I manage to wake up early this morning, I would be feeling fine, proud of myself even. But I shouldn’t be, because I’m not getting sufficient amount of sleep, hence even waking up early, my efficiency wouldn’t be the best it can be. So feeling angry and irritated in the morning makes no sense when I’m still enjoying myself until 4 A.M.

So I did not do wrong when I woke up at noon. What I did wrong was not shutting off at the right time, not scheduling my day properly so that I will feel asleep when the night has come. My mistake was the whole yesterday!

Hadn’t I taken a rational approach, I wouldn’t be able to make this conclusion. So to get up early tomorrow, it does not actually require a huge amount of willpower, but a better planning and executing of today. I need to work hard to sleep deep!


STAYING CALM UNDER PRESSURE

We got emotional so easily, especially when things get hard. But whoever harvest the ability of self-restrain, self-control and self-aware will find himself extremely advantageous comparing to others. We can make better decisions. We can choose what type of emotions, mood is appropriate. We can choose not to break, not to succumb to the stressful environment.

That’s a superpower.

Imagine you making a speech in front of thousands of people. You do not violently react to the judging eyes, to the fleeting attraction spand, to the silence of the audience. You stay on top of your game and give the best delievery you can possibly produce. It may not be good enough, but it will be thest you can be.

All areas of your life will be benefited from you having this power. You will control of your emotions, will be the master of yourself. There noone who can make you scared, make you crumble, make you weak.

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I can only imagine how my life will be if I possess this ability. It is said that meditation can take me there. Meditation can help me control my thoughts. That’s a really good reason to start meditating.


Daily Journal #57

12h30 15 06 2017

Nhung’s place

Bundle of Thoughts

It’s 11 A.M when I woke up. I missed a phone call from Nhung. I didn’t even hear the alarm. I missed the rain. I remembered an image of Nhung sitting by the side of the bed before leaving. And the last thing I can remember before I fall asleep is her telling me to be strong, healthy for the upcoming test. She really cared for me. Sometimes I wonder if she ever gets irritated of me for over-relying on her. I sleep at her place, eat her food, use her stuff. She really takes care of me and I’m grateful for having her by my side.


On Relationships

She’s even my only reader. She reads everything that I write! If it hadn’t been for her, I might be not even be writing these daily journals. Yesterday, she said every relationship has its own culture. I agree. Every relationship with everyone less or more define who you become. You shape each other through the topics that you talk about, the activities that you do, the mindset, the mood that you put yourself into. A close relationship alters your perception of reality, it changes your base line of what is normal, what is unacceptable.

We rub on each other, but also strive to complete each other. I have become more aware of taking care of my body, my diet, my health ever since I got close with Nhung. I have become more articulate, more rational, more level-headed through her influences. Later, when we got really close, I have become more cheerful, more childlike. I wonder what I have influenced her to become.

I think the key is that we have to be open to be influenced. I caught myself being stubborn, and reserved from her way of doing things a couple of time. Luckily I was aware of that so I immediately snapped out of that mindset and tried her way. We are often so used to how things got done in our ways that it’s a burden to change, to improve, to implement and upgrade. I think this is a major hindrance that’s keeping us from having a wonderful relationship, not just romantic, but also relationship in general.

I have just realized that is a really deep topic and require a lot of thinking. May be I shouldn’t have included this in.


On The Party

Today is supposedly the day that the other girl taking over the PR work. I’m eager to see what she brings to the table. But I’m quite skeptical about it. It seems that we will have to close our party because of the lack of attendees. Nhung was right. We are unprofessional, we underestimated the challenges of throwing a party.

And I think I have been an unprofessional my entire life, in everything that I do. I bounce around from topics to topics, this ideology to that ideology, this passion to that passion. Though it poses some benefits, I have been unable to dive deep, to really embody what I have learned and implement it on my daily life. I may know a lot about philosophy, culture, self-development, business. But all of those knowledge is untested, pure theoretical.

Just like the party, we have a grand idea for a party never seen before in Hanoi. But we failed at the execution. We did not know what to do and how to do. The scale of the party is too big, too ambitious for our current ability.

It’s very likely that we will fail.


On Going to the Gym

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I often find myself getting nervous in the gym, like under the influence of social anxiety. The fear of being judged for being too small, too weak. There’s a voice inside me that’s whisperously telling me I’m not supposed to be hear, I do not belong hear, I was not born for this.

I look around and see huge guys walking around the gods, like ancient Greek statues breathing and sweating. And there’s that voice again telling me I can never be like that. I can never be that big.  “There will always be a gap between you and those guys.” The voice keeping whispering in my mind. I get so easily trapped inside my own narrative.

But yesterday, I see that I’m not nearly the worst case. I saw a guy doing cable pull with a terrible form. I’m not big yet but at least I know what bad form is and how to avoid it. I told that guy about having bad form. And he kept doing it, looking away from me. Finished, he stood up and walked away. At first, I wanted to squash the shit out of him. I was not even noticed for trying to help, let alone being appreciated for that help. I was upset. But soon, I realized that guy has some serious problem. He clearly didn’t know what he was doing, but he seems so scared and insecure about that. Looking in the mirror, I noticed he was pushing his chest with a Smith machine. He kept looking around to find out whether he was being watched. There’s a dark, dense energy that I can sense from his eyes. And then, I knew he was just like me, may be a little even worse than me.

He is small, weak and new to the gym. He is alone. He doesn’t even know how to receive instruction yet. He’s on his own path. But I hope he doesn’t give up yet. I will speak to him again, with a better, gentler approach the next time.

We are never the only one who has our problem. But we like to convince ourselves that we do.


Daily Journal #56

12h15

14 06 2017

Nhung’s place

OFF TRACK AND ON TRACK

Okay. So it’s almost noon and i have just woken up. Last night I fell off the wagon. I was supposed to go to bed at 11.15. But I ended up reading superhero comic, chatting to promote my event until 2. I was aware that I have crossed my promise. But I still did it. I still let myself slip off and be disorganized.

What should I do now? What should I feel? Should I punish myself for not keeping my own words? Should I feel ashamed and disgusted with my actions? Or should I be objective about the situation and figure out why I did what I did? Whatever the answer to those questions is, I don’t feel remorseful. I feel okay.

So the exam is coming in 8 days. I still have a lot of preparation to do. Or at least, I think I still have a lot of preparation to do. I still have to take Math tests, do more English test, memorize more Literature texts and essays. All of this is like a wrecking ball dragging my soul to the grown. It helps me stay grounded, but I’m not sure if I have become a slave to it or not. I keep feeling like I’m not enough, and will never be enough. And that feeling keep me uneased, irritated, grumpy and nervous.

I don’t want to feel that. And it may be true that I will never be enough. I will never score perfectly at each subject. I will never learn all what needs to be learned and make no mistake. It’s just a fact for me. So Khánh, please accept the truth and make amend with it. Be okay with your shortcoming. Be okay with your ability, your limitation. That won’t make you perfect, but it will take the unpleasant feeling away and let your mind have its well-needed peace.

So what do I really need?

I need to get to the core, the basic of each subject. My English is quite decent for now. So I need to concentrate on Math and Literature. Today I will do the Math test that my friend has sent to me yesterday. I have a Literature class at the evening. I will take 5 minutes after class, or in the class, to ask her about the fundamental framework of the literature essays.

Okay. Yesterday wasn’t all bad. I cleaned my bed, change the sheet and the pillow cover. That makes the bed much much more pleasant to sleep in. Oh, how I love the feeling of a clean, new sheet under my skin. It feels like an entire world is soft, gentle and caring. The room is still messy though. It needs a clean-up.

And I’m back at the gym. Yesterday was chest day. I got stronger since the previous work out. I wonder if taking one week break has anything to do with gaining more strength. I don’t talk to anyone at the gym. I want to, but I don’t. I get so insecure in the gym and retreat my mind into my head. I fear the judging look of others. I fear of being too small, too weak. That fear makes me want to push myself harder to prove my worth, but also cripples me from striking up new conversations.

I think that’s more of a disadvantage. Thanh also told me yesterday that he feels isolated whenever he hits the gym. It’s too raw, too animalistic. May be the gym enables us to face our hidden, suppressed emotion through the body. Without embracing it completely, we don’t properly process those trapped emotions. Thus further feeling insecure and lost.

And it’s hard to fully embrace a workout. It’s hard to scream, to yell, to grunt, to squeeze your face muscle. It’s hard because of the fear of being judged, being indecent in public, being too loud, too expressive. Most of us get into the gym and quietly pump some irons. Check our to-do list when it’s done and go home.

I am in the most of us. I still feel those insecurities. I still feel like the me that first hit the gym 4 years ago. I haven’t changed that much, no matter how well I try to convince myself. The gym doesn’t lie. I feel naked when I pick up that dumbell and start lifiting.

Why do I feel insecure? Why do I still fear of being judged? I have no answer. I still have a lot of inner work to do. Speaking of which, I need to get back to meditation. I didn’t meditate yesterday. And writing this has taken the place of meditation. Today, I will meditate right after the gym for 20 minutes.

Daily Journal #55

12h40 P.M

13 06 2017

Tiny flat.

Fear of the Upcoming Days

So I woke up much earlier today: 10 A.M, at least when compared to yesterday. I have overslept for more than an hour. I should have woken up at 9. I went to bed at 11.30 P.M yesterday, just like I have stated. No distraction, no phone, no Internet, I went to sleep. And I fell asleep at around 12, lying next to my girlfriend.

Yesterday was a decent day, much more productive than the last few days. I did a Math test, an English test, wrote 3 pieces for my promotion tasks. But I didn’t study as much Literature as I should have. I could have put in at least one more hour of studying Literature.

And I have come to realize that not only am I disorganized in throwing a party, I am also all over the place in studying. I don’t have a clearly constructed plan with tangible objectives. I don’t have any strategy for any subject. To be honest with myself, I have no idea if I should study more or just stop right now. I feel like I haven’t been making any progress with my revision, so why bother?

There are 9 days left. Time has certainly flown through the window. I have doubts in myself. I don’t know if I will make it or not.

So let’s be clear now. What’s the worst that can happen if I fail?

  1. Everyone will make fun of me.
  2. My family will be ashamed of me.
  3. Nhung will be disappointed and leave me.
  4. I will have to spend the next 4 years studying in a school that I don’t want to.
  5. I will be ashamed of myself for not being good enough.

That’s what I can think of right now. Writing it down makes my heart a little bit less heavy. All of these negative emotions have been disturbing me for a while now. It’s time I faced it, and face it I will do.

Who cares if everyone makes fun of me? And is it really a big deal? Most people have already made fun of me at least once. Some teased me for being skinny, some teased me for my voice, some teased me for my height, some teased me for dressing a certain way, or speaking in a certain manners… Everybody has made fun of everybody. So that’s really not abnormal for them to make fun of me when I’m down in the dirt.

But also, can they be making fun of me? I’m sure I’m not the only one that’s feeling these doubts. I’m sure everyone who’s head, heart and soul is point towards this exam is feeling a bit of uneasy sensation too. We are all in our heads, worrying about our images in other people’s heads. May be some people, who have low socializing decency, will be making fun of me. But who am I too really care?

Actually, to really think about it. The 5 “worst things that can happen” above is quite ridiculous. Sure, there will be consequences of me failing the test. But whether or not will I let those consequences dictate my emotions, my self-esteem is a choice. I can choose how to cope with them. I can choose to view myself in anyway that I please. I have a choice to live life on my terms.

And I choose to love myself. I know I have lost precious time in procrastinating, misprioritizing. I know I have not always been the best that I can be. But I will not give up on myself. I will continue to better myself no matter what the outcome of the exam will be. I will continue to take care of myself: hitting the gym, training the mind, going on adventures. I will continue to be kind towards others, especially my loved ones. I will understand their perspectives, their motives and their feelings.

And I will continue alone, if need be.


That’s my current stream of consciousness. I also have a day ahead for me to make use of. I definitely should keep going to bed earlier and earlier. So tonight, I shut off at 11h15, no matter what. I hope I will fall asleep by 11h30. Tomorrow I will wake up at 8.

This afternoon, 3 hours will have been spent in Math class. The next 45 minutes, I hit the gym and train my chest. That will end in about 6 P.M. I will have a protein shake first, then a lovely meal to satisfy my stomach. The night, I spent reading about Literature from 8 P.M to 11 P.M

And now, I have a PR job to take care off. I will write a few posts in the next 30 minutes, then do an English test.

Daily Journal #54

10h55 A.M

12 06 2017