A Change

I have promised myself to write at 11 P.M every night no matter what. If you check out my latest entries, you can tell that I have failed to live up to this promise. Last night I almost didn’t write. And the night before that I didn’t even bother to write, let alone writing on time. So the practice has been all downs and no up for the past few days. May be it’s time for a change.

I will write as soon as I wake up each morning from now on. I have tried to do this in school time, but failed to do so because of the limit of time was too short to make use of. And in addition to the entry time, I will also add another edition to my posts: everything will be at least 750 words. That’s a frightening amount of work to be done, since I average at about 200 words per post.

Last night I had trouble sleeping. My body keeps twisting and turning from left to right. It was hot, but I don’t think that was the issue. The room is dirty as fuck. The floor is sticky with dirt. The blankets are all messy, the bed is out of place. Everything together gets on my nerve. But I was lazy so I didn’t bother to make an effort to clean up. So I slept in a messy environment. I think I had a bad sleep. Waking up and not feeling rested at all.

But when was the last time I feel rested after a sleep? I honestly couldn’t remember. Each sleep misses its mark. I fall asleep at 2 in the morning and wake up at 10. And the whole morning is wasted. It has been like this for so long, too long. The amount of hours spent for sleeping is right, but the routine is all messed up. I should be sleeping way ealier. I have always told myself to adjust myself to sleep before midnight. That never works out.

There’s a few things I can do about that. I should make the most out of the last two hours of the morning: from 10 to 12 A.M. it’s time for writing, time for meditation, time for cleaning up. I can clean up my messy room, fold the blankets, wash myself with cold shower.

Last night I dreamt about a girl that’s not my girl. I dreamt about kissing her on the lips, just gently like two students from secondary school, not passionately like two full-grown adults. Even in my dream, I can feel the guilt. I can feel my conscience kicking in, judging me, telling me to behave yourself. I know my action is wrongful, consciously. But subconsciously, there’s something that still triggering those kind of dreams. There’s still something inside of me that still can not be completely happy with a relationship, no matter what.

But let’s not fool myself, there will always be that part in me no matter what. Looking back on my previous relationship, things seemed like pure fun and games, like we got along from start ’til end. That kind of retrospect is severely biased and incredibly harmful to our current present. I had problems too, a lot of them. We too had fights, argues, moments of doubts. It was a wonderful relationship and I’m grateful for having, but it was not complete sunshine and rainbow.

So I think I will actually be fine. These kinds of doubts will always surface, but I have a choice now. Instead of violently reacting to eat, trying to suppress, conceal it, I can be detached, neutral about it. I can choose what kind of respond I will give it. And coming from this place, I can be much more compassionate and loving. I love my girl and I love my current state of being. I have lots of problems, true to that. But it’s okay, who doesn’t.

It’s still under 750 words. This is going to take a lot longer than I thought. And this is just the first day of the change. Bumpy road ahead for you, Khánh. It’s not actually hard to write down. All of these is more like a stream of consciousness than a tightly proportioned piece of writing. So I can let myself loose and the words can just flow out. But for 750 words to flow out daily, I will need some practice. And also, I have already had the experience of writing 50 entries to be the foundation for this. All of those posts, long or short, aspiring or timid, is now serving a better, bigger purpose. They will be the laying bricks for this transformation.

And I think I need this transformation. I have been wondering how to level up my writing process. And also, those latest posts are really blend and lazy. To write 750 words a day will definitely shake up my thinking. I will be completely honest and open in my writing. Everything will be poured out to revaluate and purified. I have to admit, I haven’t been completely honest in my 50 ealier posts. I still dodge some touchy, insecure subjects. There are still aspects of my life that I can’t face down and have a direct confrontation. I was still much in my shelf.

I think I might have hit 750 words by now.

Daily Journal #52
10h32 A.M
10 06 2017