Fear of the Upcoming Days

So I woke up much earlier today: 10 A.M, at least when compared to yesterday. I have overslept for more than an hour. I should have woken up at 9. I went to bed at 11.30 P.M yesterday, just like I have stated. No distraction, no phone, no Internet, I went to sleep. And I fell asleep at around 12, lying next to my girlfriend.

Yesterday was a decent day, much more productive than the last few days. I did a Math test, an English test, wrote 3 pieces for my promotion tasks. But I didn’t study as much Literature as I should have. I could have put in at least one more hour of studying Literature.

And I have come to realize that not only am I disorganized in throwing a party, I am also all over the place in studying. I don’t have a clearly constructed plan with tangible objectives. I don’t have any strategy for any subject. To be honest with myself, I have no idea if I should study more or just stop right now. I feel like I haven’t been making any progress with my revision, so why bother?

There are 9 days left. Time has certainly flown through the window. I have doubts in myself. I don’t know if I will make it or not.

So let’s be clear now. What’s the worst that can happen if I fail?

  1. Everyone will make fun of me.
  2. My family will be ashamed of me.
  3. Nhung will be disappointed and leave me.
  4. I will have to spend the next 4 years studying in a school that I don’t want to.
  5. I will be ashamed of myself for not being good enough.

That’s what I can think of right now. Writing it down makes my heart a little bit less heavy. All of these negative emotions have been disturbing me for a while now. It’s time I faced it, and face it I will do.

Who cares if everyone makes fun of me? And is it really a big deal? Most people have already made fun of me at least once. Some teased me for being skinny, some teased me for my voice, some teased me for my height, some teased me for dressing a certain way, or speaking in a certain manners… Everybody has made fun of everybody. So that’s really not abnormal for them to make fun of me when I’m down in the dirt.

But also, can they be making fun of me? I’m sure I’m not the only one that’s feeling these doubts. I’m sure everyone who’s head, heart and soul is point towards this exam is feeling a bit of uneasy sensation too. We are all in our heads, worrying about our images in other people’s heads. May be some people, who have low socializing decency, will be making fun of me. But who am I too really care?

Actually, to really think about it. The 5 “worst things that can happen” above is quite ridiculous. Sure, there will be consequences of me failing the test. But whether or not will I let those consequences dictate my emotions, my self-esteem is a choice. I can choose how to cope with them. I can choose to view myself in anyway that I please. I have a choice to live life on my terms.

And I choose to love myself. I know I have lost precious time in procrastinating, misprioritizing. I know I have not always been the best that I can be. But I will not give up on myself. I will continue to better myself no matter what the outcome of the exam will be. I will continue to take care of myself: hitting the gym, training the mind, going on adventures. I will continue to be kind towards others, especially my loved ones. I will understand their perspectives, their motives and their feelings.

And I will continue alone, if need be.

That’s my current stream of consciousness. I also have a day ahead for me to make use of. I definitely should keep going to bed earlier and earlier. So tonight, I shut off at 11h15, no matter what. I hope I will fall asleep by 11h30. Tomorrow I will wake up at 8.

This afternoon, 3 hours will have been spent in Math class. The next 45 minutes, I hit the gym and train my chest. That will end in about 6 P.M. I will have a protein shake first, then a lovely meal to satisfy my stomach. The night, I spent reading about Literature from 8 P.M to 11 P.M

And now, I have a PR job to take care off. I will write a few posts in the next 30 minutes, then do an English test.

Daily Journal #54

10h55 A.M

12 06 2017