Okay. So it’s almost noon and i have just woken up. Last night I fell off the wagon. I was supposed to go to bed at 11.15. But I ended up reading superhero comic, chatting to promote my event until 2. I was aware that I have crossed my promise. But I still did it. I still let myself slip off and be disorganized.
What should I do now? What should I feel? Should I punish myself for not keeping my own words? Should I feel ashamed and disgusted with my actions? Or should I be objective about the situation and figure out why I did what I did? Whatever the answer to those questions is, I don’t feel remorseful. I feel okay.
So the exam is coming in 8 days. I still have a lot of preparation to do. Or at least, I think I still have a lot of preparation to do. I still have to take Math tests, do more English test, memorize more Literature texts and essays. All of this is like a wrecking ball dragging my soul to the grown. It helps me stay grounded, but I’m not sure if I have become a slave to it or not. I keep feeling like I’m not enough, and will never be enough. And that feeling keep me uneased, irritated, grumpy and nervous.
I don’t want to feel that. And it may be true that I will never be enough. I will never score perfectly at each subject. I will never learn all what needs to be learned and make no mistake. It’s just a fact for me. So Khánh, please accept the truth and make amend with it. Be okay with your shortcoming. Be okay with your ability, your limitation. That won’t make you perfect, but it will take the unpleasant feeling away and let your mind have its well-needed peace.
So what do I really need?
I need to get to the core, the basic of each subject. My English is quite decent for now. So I need to concentrate on Math and Literature. Today I will do the Math test that my friend has sent to me yesterday. I have a Literature class at the evening. I will take 5 minutes after class, or in the class, to ask her about the fundamental framework of the literature essays.
Okay. Yesterday wasn’t all bad. I cleaned my bed, change the sheet and the pillow cover. That makes the bed much much more pleasant to sleep in. Oh, how I love the feeling of a clean, new sheet under my skin. It feels like an entire world is soft, gentle and caring. The room is still messy though. It needs a clean-up.
And I’m back at the gym. Yesterday was chest day. I got stronger since the previous work out. I wonder if taking one week break has anything to do with gaining more strength. I don’t talk to anyone at the gym. I want to, but I don’t. I get so insecure in the gym and retreat my mind into my head. I fear the judging look of others. I fear of being too small, too weak. That fear makes me want to push myself harder to prove my worth, but also cripples me from striking up new conversations.
I think that’s more of a disadvantage. Thanh also told me yesterday that he feels isolated whenever he hits the gym. It’s too raw, too animalistic. May be the gym enables us to face our hidden, suppressed emotion through the body. Without embracing it completely, we don’t properly process those trapped emotions. Thus further feeling insecure and lost.
And it’s hard to fully embrace a workout. It’s hard to scream, to yell, to grunt, to squeeze your face muscle. It’s hard because of the fear of being judged, being indecent in public, being too loud, too expressive. Most of us get into the gym and quietly pump some irons. Check our to-do list when it’s done and go home.
I am in the most of us. I still feel those insecurities. I still feel like the me that first hit the gym 4 years ago. I haven’t changed that much, no matter how well I try to convince myself. The gym doesn’t lie. I feel naked when I pick up that dumbell and start lifiting.
Why do I feel insecure? Why do I still fear of being judged? I have no answer. I still have a lot of inner work to do. Speaking of which, I need to get back to meditation. I didn’t meditate yesterday. And writing this has taken the place of meditation. Today, I will meditate right after the gym for 20 minutes.
Daily Journal #55
13 06 2017