It’s 11 A.M when I woke up. I missed a phone call from Nhung. I didn’t even hear the alarm. I missed the rain. I remembered an image of Nhung sitting by the side of the bed before leaving. And the last thing I can remember before I fall asleep is her telling me to be strong, healthy for the upcoming test. She really cared for me. Sometimes I wonder if she ever gets irritated of me for over-relying on her. I sleep at her place, eat her food, use her stuff. She really takes care of me and I’m grateful for having her by my side.
She’s even my only reader. She reads everything that I write! If it hadn’t been for her, I might be not even be writing these daily journals. Yesterday, she said every relationship has its own culture. I agree. Every relationship with everyone less or more define who you become. You shape each other through the topics that you talk about, the activities that you do, the mindset, the mood that you put yourself into. A close relationship alters your perception of reality, it changes your base line of what is normal, what is unacceptable.
We rub on each other, but also strive to complete each other. I have become more aware of taking care of my body, my diet, my health ever since I got close with Nhung. I have become more articulate, more rational, more level-headed through her influences. Later, when we got really close, I have become more cheerful, more childlike. I wonder what I have influenced her to become.
I think the key is that we have to be open to be influenced. I caught myself being stubborn, and reserved from her way of doing things a couple of time. Luckily I was aware of that so I immediately snapped out of that mindset and tried her way. We are often so used to how things got done in our ways that it’s a burden to change, to improve, to implement and upgrade. I think this is a major hindrance that’s keeping us from having a wonderful relationship, not just romantic, but also relationship in general.
I have just realized that is a really deep topic and require a lot of thinking. May be I shouldn’t have included this in.
On The Party
Today is supposedly the day that the other girl taking over the PR work. I’m eager to see what she brings to the table. But I’m quite skeptical about it. It seems that we will have to close our party because of the lack of attendees. Nhung was right. We are unprofessional, we underestimated the challenges of throwing a party.
And I think I have been an unprofessional my entire life, in everything that I do. I bounce around from topics to topics, this ideology to that ideology, this passion to that passion. Though it poses some benefits, I have been unable to dive deep, to really embody what I have learned and implement it on my daily life. I may know a lot about philosophy, culture, self-development, business. But all of those knowledge is untested, pure theoretical.
Just like the party, we have a grand idea for a party never seen before in Hanoi. But we failed at the execution. We did not know what to do and how to do. The scale of the party is too big, too ambitious for our current ability.
It’s very likely that we will fail.
On Going to the Gym
I often find myself getting nervous in the gym, like under the influence of social anxiety. The fear of being judged for being too small, too weak. There’s a voice inside me that’s whisperously telling me I’m not supposed to be hear, I do not belong hear, I was not born for this.
I look around and see huge guys walking around the gods, like ancient Greek statues breathing and sweating. And there’s that voice again telling me I can never be like that. I can never be that big. “There will always be a gap between you and those guys.” The voice keeping whispering in my mind. I get so easily trapped inside my own narrative.
But yesterday, I see that I’m not nearly the worst case. I saw a guy doing cable pull with a terrible form. I’m not big yet but at least I know what bad form is and how to avoid it. I told that guy about having bad form. And he kept doing it, looking away from me. Finished, he stood up and walked away. At first, I wanted to squash the shit out of him. I was not even noticed for trying to help, let alone being appreciated for that help. I was upset. But soon, I realized that guy has some serious problem. He clearly didn’t know what he was doing, but he seems so scared and insecure about that. Looking in the mirror, I noticed he was pushing his chest with a Smith machine. He kept looking around to find out whether he was being watched. There’s a dark, dense energy that I can sense from his eyes. And then, I knew he was just like me, may be a little even worse than me.
He is small, weak and new to the gym. He is alone. He doesn’t even know how to receive instruction yet. He’s on his own path. But I hope he doesn’t give up yet. I will speak to him again, with a better, gentler approach the next time.
We are never the only one who has our problem. But we like to convince ourselves that we do.
Daily Journal #56
14 06 2017