I may have fucked up my Wordpress layout. It looked out of proportion and messy now. I realize I’m quite of a visual guy, who often obsess over small details, the fonts, the layout imagery, the overall proportion. I love it when a website can capture my attention and drag me in with its visual. The easier it is for the eyes, the easier it will be for the brain. That being said, my page is looking horrible. I may or may not changing to Medium because of this.
WordPress seems quite disconnect as a social platform. After 3 months of consistently using it, I have no idea how or what the world of other WordPress users is. Partly because I wasn’t trying to reach out, partly because WordPress didn’t lure me in. I have just checked out the Discovery tab in the Reader. I didn’t know that many people used WordPress. It’s funny for me to see someone having 13 million followers on here, because I have a feeling I’m the only user here.
PLAN FOR THE FUTURE
But I should do more digging into the Discovery. I’m looking for a new goal. After I have my free time, I will definitely be making films, documentaries, vlogs… I wonder how my writing will fit in with my future expressing repertoire. The word “repertoire” sounds so fancy. I want to be able to express myself. I want to speak, I want to scream, I want to chant, I want to chat, I want to discuss, I want to converse, I want to connect.
I know I have something within me that is valuable for others, and the more I can extract, the more entertained, educated, informed people would be. It’s a novel goal to give back and care for other people. But truthfully, it feels so good to be heard and appreciated. I do it first and foremost for myself, not for any humanitarian driven motivation.
I need skills for that vision to happen. And the past year has significantly about improving my writing ability. I have gained much more competence and confidence in writing. I haven’t dabbled into creative writing yet, but just the fact that now I can comfortably voice out my opinion, my thoughts in a written platform is amazing. There’s still a lot of room for me to improve and horn my skills. I still have a long and bumpy road ahead.
But I have always wanted to do films. As far as I can remember, I have always wanted to be involved in films. I wanted to be an actor because an actor can be any body, doing anything. Now I want to be a film-maker to tell a story, any story that I find intriguing. Like I have mentioned above, visual has always been a thing of mine. Or may be because I just like flashy stuff. And it’s much easier to get a critique for a film than a for a writing. People can just use their overall sensibility to comprehend a film, and not have to think, reason and question like when they are reading a piece of literature.
So this summer, I will make films. I have confidence that I can edit a simple documentary. I will make a documentary on this Exam, this Test, The Test. I haven’t mapped out how exactly the film will be. I will do that on the evening of this Thursday.
CRACKING OPEN THE EMOTION LID
Last night, I was honest with myself and with Nhung about my addiction to porn. Yes, I’m addicted to porn. I have been addicted since I was 9. That’s 8 years of watching, reading pornographic material. I didn’t want to confront with this harsh truth, but this me coming out clean.
I feel like there’s a trauma hidden deep inside of my psyche that has led me to abusing porn. I can feel a lid, an emotion lid that’s suppressing those trapped emotion inside of me. Oddly enough, I can even feel where exactly that lid is on my body. But I can’t do anything about it. That’s what making me frustrated.
I want to face those inner demons. I’m sick and tired of being in the turbulence. I want to cry, I want to shout and scream in agony. I just want to let them a chance to be processed and finally let me be. Let me be free of these torments. I do not know how to do that yet. The closest thing to a catharsis I have achieved is meditation and stretching before working out. It cleanses my mind for a while. May be I should be doubling down on that.
The day after tomorrow is the big test. It’s coming. It’s here. And it’s okay. Today I will continue to revise Literature and do one more English test just for fun.
Daily Journal #60
20 06 2017