First off, the test is over. Second off, I do not feel like this.

ROCKY IV, Sylvester Stallone, 1985, © MGM / Courtesy: Everett Collection

It might have to do with the fact that I had little troubles taking the test. Sure, I did not score perfectly in Math and there was still room for improvement in my essay. But overall, it was kind of underwhelming after I finished. I didn’t feel any rush of excitement nor feel any urge to take a breath of relief. I kept telling myself that this was just like any other test to calm myself down, and turned out, it actually was.

All the hype and speculation, all the fears and doubts now seem so vague and ridiculous. I’m even a bit sad because it wasn’t as hard as I wanted it to be. I wanted to bleed a little, to have some battle exam scars or crazy experience, to have memorable materials to form a cool story. This was a let-down. I did good. My Math was better than I expected it to be. My English was perfect. My Literature was on point. I got lucky here and there in my preparation. I breathed into my balls and kept my calm in all three subjects, I was meticulous and careful. I performed well. I expect to score at around 25 or 26 in three subjects.

So here I am, officially at the turning point of my life. I have crossed that threshold i once dreaded. I’m one step closer to freedom. But this is the tricky part. Everyone is thinking of partying and having fun. Everyone is thinking of letting themselves loose for a couple of months. I am so tempted to go along with that crowd. It’s so easy to get lazy and disoriented.

But I know if I did that, all my hopes and aspirations would never come to fruition. I would waste my life doing what everybody is doing and arising to nothing. I don’t want that life, and here’s another opportunity for me to get ahead. It’s time I stepped ahead of the pack. I must be extra focused, extra determined, and extra driven. I have promised myself that I would make a movie and that’s what I shall do. I have been going to the gym for the last month and that’s what I shall continue to do. I have been focused in my studying and I shall now direct that energy into bettering myself and getting closer to where I want to be.

This is still all very vague. The first thing to do is planning out what direction I would go in the next 2 weeks, the time when everyone falls apart.

Daily Journal #62

23h20 23 06 2017

Gala Hotel, next to Amsterdam High School.