So where I am now? This is the second part.
What does the beginning of 2018 look like for Cao Khánh? To be completely honest with you, I am not happy with where I am. All thesd busy work days are hiding that hollow empty feeling.
It’s quite simple to test whether or not you are align with yourself and truly living it right: spend an afternoon doing nothing – no friends, no movies, no books, no gym, no sleeping, no planning, no deep contemplating, no meditation basically “wasting” 5 hours just sitting around. If you have no problem doing that, I would say you are perfectly in tune with yourself. That would say that you do not need any stimulus, you rely on the bare minimum that is your fundemental being to feel “happy”.
I can not do that, I can barely go through 30 minutes of doing nothing without scratching my heads and screaming with frustration. I would watch movies to push away the boreddom, would mindlessly surf Youtube for videos of topics that do not have anything but McDonald-ish entertainment, cheap, for sure unhealthy but stimulating as hell. So basically, that’s how I would honestly spend most of my freetime if I have any in these days.
I haven’t gone to the gym for 2 weeks now. I’m not happy with how I eat, how I sleep. I’m starting to sound like a broken record but you get the point, I’m not particularly on top of my game at the moment.
I’m beginning to doubt my potential. Yesterday I took a look at my highschool yearbook, all those comments about how inspirational I was, how rebellious, how capable… they felt odd, as if they were meant for someone else.
I guess growing up can be quite interesting. May be one day, I wouldn’t want to write any of these. May be I would lose my sensitivity too, like an old man with Alzheimer.
The mind is a trickery motherfucker and it does not want to change. That’s why all the real breakthrough lies beyond our current capacity, that’s why we have to sweat, bleed, take all the bruises and leap through those fears.
Sure, I have been here before. I have been demotivated, I have felt sadness, I have doubted myself, fallen off-track. But for everytime like that, there’s a chance to rise again. And for all the failures, it only take one success. For all the arrows that fly to the sky, we only need one to have a lovely, delicious grilled dove. Pretty sick to think about that, but it sounds good though.
So here we go all over again, another time that Khánh wants to change.
I’m quite consistent, actually.