Diary no6 050317

Về nhà và nỗi sợ.
Gần 11h, tôi dành một ngày tại nhà. Ba tuần xa nhà có gì đó xa xăm. Tôi cứ ngỡ mình sẽ phải nhớ nhà lắm.

Nhưng có lẽ tôi đang dần thành một thằng con trai chai lì cảm xúc, hoặc cuộc sống tại Hà Nội của tôi đang trở nên thú vị hơn rất nhiều.

Hôm nay là Đêm hội dân gian tại Chuyên Bắc Ninh, sự kiện khá lớn. Tôi gặp rất nhiều bạn bè và người quen tại đây. Mặc dù phần nào cảm thấy được đón chào hơn, tôi vẫn cảm thấy lạc lõng. Cứ có gì đó buồn buồn, như thể tôi đang làm cái gì đó sai. Sâu thẳm là sai. Trực giác cứ rung lắc trong bụng tôi, gợi nhắc đầu óc ham chơi.

Toán. Nó bảo tôi vậy. Nó bảo tôi đi học toán đi. Toán.

Gần đây mọi việc đều chỉ cho tôi đến một đích. Tất cả những gì xảy đến đều hướmg tôi quay về một cái mớ bòng bong.

Cuộc đời muốn tôi học toán. Nghe có vẻ lạ lùng, nhưng tôi thực sự nghĩ có Đấng trên cao đang chỉ đường dẫn lối bằng những dấu hiệu này.

Cái môn chết tiệt này cứ lẽo đẽo làm phiền tôi phải đến 5 năm trời rồi.

Tôi chưa bao giờ thực sự cố gắng học toán kể từ năm lớp 7, tôi không còn dám học nữa. Tôi sợ nó. Tôi sợ phải quay lại từ đầu. Tôi sợ phải trải qua cái cảm giác bất lực, như thể cứ tự đập đầu vào tường hết lần này đến lần khác. Tôi thiếu niềm tin vào bản thân. Tôi sợ bị chê bai, trêu đùa bơur chúng bạn và thầy cô khi họ phát hiện ra tôi thực sự kém đến mức nào.

Và không phải lúc nào tôi cũng dám thẳng thắn nhìn nhận thế này. Thực ra trong lúc viết đống này thì tôi nên làm toán hơn.

Tôi luôn luôn nên làm toán. Mẹ kiếp.

Khi đời ném cho ta bài toán, ta phải giải cho chết mẹ nó đi.

Tôi sẽ dang tay và trao cái thân này cho toán.

It’s noon again. Another day of waking up late. I was awoke at around 10 but decided that I wanted to sleep in. Not necessary a bad thing, but seem like it does not help me building a good sleeping habit.

Nhung is beautiful. I’m so grateful that the first thing I saw in the day is her face, smiling over me with her lovely, big eyes. Her smile is so pure, so innocent, so angelic that it’s hard not to melt over and give her a little cuddle.

Good noon everybody and have lovely day. It was 12 o’clock when I woke up. I skipped yesterday and the day before that. I was in my home, feeling a bit lazy and eventually decided not to write. So it’s been today with a few things crossing my life.


READY FOR THE TEST?

The Test is coming in 4 days, but I no longer stress about it as much as I used to do. I can never be fully ready and I’m okay with that. No one can ever be completely ready for a test like this. There will always be something that you have overlooked, forgot to revise or never even come across. So it’s a lift from a mental burden to accept that we all have to jump into this without being one hundred percent ready.

And funny enough, this goes for life as well. You can never be full ready for something. There will always be doubts, fear and uncertainty ahead of us, things that operate out side of our control. Even if you have studied so hard, pushed through so many obstacles, spent all your time and effort, something can always go wrong: you can be too tired and not getting enough rest, or too anxious and lose your calm.

Life is chaotic and it has always been that way. We can accept that or be crippled by it. I can’t control everything and neither can you. There have been numerous times I launched myself into something that I’m not ready for. Sometimes it went to embarrassing failure; but it has also lead me to amazing things in life too. I would never have kissed a girl if I had waited to be ready. I would never have gone on amazing adventures if I had paused to search for the perfect opportunity. So in that sense, I have never been ready for them.

But don’t get me wrong, don’t get it twisted. Preparation is necessary. The failures I have made is mostly due to the lack of planning and preparation. It would be idiotic to take a risk that you have a 99% you will fail. We need to be calculated somewhat and meet the necessary requirements. You can’t expect to throw a grand, expansive party with zero plan on promoting, logistic, networking… I know this experience first hand, it’s a sour failure.

Pulling from opposite directions will get we far. One hand, you have to be grounded and realistic about what is required, what needs to be done. On the other hand, you have to accept that no matter what you do, things can always go sideways. That combo is what makes men great.


LAST PREPARATION: The 1/3

I have mentally prepared. I have got the mindset right. But a few things still need to be done. I still have to make one last revision on all three subjects: Math first, Literature second and English last.

I still have to be keep my mind sharp and not wonder into the ” I’m ready to die” mindset territory. There is still time for me to be opportunistic. In the last three, four days, I can still slip in some preparation that can tweak my skill set and improve my overall ability.

Today I will take my time and revise Math. I will look over carefully the basic formula of each branches. I will answer a few last remaining questions. And I will do one more Math test.

That’s for today. I will update before I go to bed.

OFF TRACK AND ON TRACK

Okay. So it’s almost noon and i have just woken up. Last night I fell off the wagon. I was supposed to go to bed at 11.15. But I ended up reading superhero comic, chatting to promote my event until 2. I was aware that I have crossed my promise. But I still did it. I still let myself slip off and be disorganized.

What should I do now? What should I feel? Should I punish myself for not keeping my own words? Should I feel ashamed and disgusted with my actions? Or should I be objective about the situation and figure out why I did what I did? Whatever the answer to those questions is, I don’t feel remorseful. I feel okay.

So the exam is coming in 8 days. I still have a lot of preparation to do. Or at least, I think I still have a lot of preparation to do. I still have to take Math tests, do more English test, memorize more Literature texts and essays. All of this is like a wrecking ball dragging my soul to the grown. It helps me stay grounded, but I’m not sure if I have become a slave to it or not. I keep feeling like I’m not enough, and will never be enough. And that feeling keep me uneased, irritated, grumpy and nervous.

I don’t want to feel that. And it may be true that I will never be enough. I will never score perfectly at each subject. I will never learn all what needs to be learned and make no mistake. It’s just a fact for me. So Khánh, please accept the truth and make amend with it. Be okay with your shortcoming. Be okay with your ability, your limitation. That won’t make you perfect, but it will take the unpleasant feeling away and let your mind have its well-needed peace.

So what do I really need?

I need to get to the core, the basic of each subject. My English is quite decent for now. So I need to concentrate on Math and Literature. Today I will do the Math test that my friend has sent to me yesterday. I have a Literature class at the evening. I will take 5 minutes after class, or in the class, to ask her about the fundamental framework of the literature essays.

Okay. Yesterday wasn’t all bad. I cleaned my bed, change the sheet and the pillow cover. That makes the bed much much more pleasant to sleep in. Oh, how I love the feeling of a clean, new sheet under my skin. It feels like an entire world is soft, gentle and caring. The room is still messy though. It needs a clean-up.

And I’m back at the gym. Yesterday was chest day. I got stronger since the previous work out. I wonder if taking one week break has anything to do with gaining more strength. I don’t talk to anyone at the gym. I want to, but I don’t. I get so insecure in the gym and retreat my mind into my head. I fear the judging look of others. I fear of being too small, too weak. That fear makes me want to push myself harder to prove my worth, but also cripples me from striking up new conversations.

I think that’s more of a disadvantage. Thanh also told me yesterday that he feels isolated whenever he hits the gym. It’s too raw, too animalistic. May be the gym enables us to face our hidden, suppressed emotion through the body. Without embracing it completely, we don’t properly process those trapped emotions. Thus further feeling insecure and lost.

And it’s hard to fully embrace a workout. It’s hard to scream, to yell, to grunt, to squeeze your face muscle. It’s hard because of the fear of being judged, being indecent in public, being too loud, too expressive. Most of us get into the gym and quietly pump some irons. Check our to-do list when it’s done and go home.

I am in the most of us. I still feel those insecurities. I still feel like the me that first hit the gym 4 years ago. I haven’t changed that much, no matter how well I try to convince myself. The gym doesn’t lie. I feel naked when I pick up that dumbell and start lifiting.

Why do I feel insecure? Why do I still fear of being judged? I have no answer. I still have a lot of inner work to do. Speaking of which, I need to get back to meditation. I didn’t meditate yesterday. And writing this has taken the place of meditation. Today, I will meditate right after the gym for 20 minutes.

Daily Journal #55

12h40 P.M

13 06 2017

Tiny flat.

LOSING MOMENTUM

I’m sleepy for most of today. I slept all morning. I played around until 3.30 in the afternoon. Then started to do some Math for 1 hour. Then was so bored that I meditated, took a shower and what not until 6.

I spent another 3 hours doing things.

Got back to my flat at 9.30. Then dozed off to sleep at 10. Woke up again but couldn’t sleep.

I feel like I’m losing my momentum. I feel like I’m losing the drive that I need to get things done in this precious time.

Oh boy.

Daily Journal #52

1h32 A.M

10 06 2017

Tiny Flat

4/4

The plan was to do one Math test, one English test and one Literature test a day.

I did exactly that for a day. The first day.

So technically, I failed. I did not do one Literature test a day. But I put in the hours, and it feels good.

Today I spend 1 hour learning English. Spending time with my friends.

Here are the plans for the next 4 days:

-1 mock Math test a day.

-1 mock English test a day.

-memorize 2 Literature Text a day.

Daily Journal #50

2.07 AM

Home.

Procrastination still Slips In.

There are only 3 weeks between me and the most important day of my life so far.

I remember not long ago I used to think I still have plenty of time. 200 days. 100 days. 50 days. Now. 21 days.

I procrastinated a lot through those day. I keep thinking that there is still plenty of time. There is always a tomorrow, right?

But the closer I get to the examination, the more I realize it’s just a lie I’ve been feeding to myself. There is no someday, there is only today. There is no tomorrow, there is only now.

And if now always think about not now, there will be no time.

Easier to understand than to apply.

I just procrastinated for one hour. I did nothing. Why? I have no clue. I guess it’s something we can’t rationalize.

I can only do. There’s a choice: to keep arguing, convincing that narrative in my mind, or ignore it and put myself into the work.

After writing the previous sentence, I jumped right in writing my essay. I have finally finished it. Exactly at midnight, but not after I have procrastinated for 2 more times though.

It seems that my mind can’t stay focus for that long yet. After about 30 minutes, I find myself easily distracted. Oh, put the phone away too. It will distract you for sure.

So I figure, even in writing, I should take a short break, about 5 minutes. Back in 30 minutes, out in 5.

***

Here’s what going to happen tomorrow: 

I wake up when my mother calls me. I immediately meditate, because that will be my 8th day now. It’s 7.20 in the morning. I get dressed up and go have breakfast with mom. It’s been a while since I eat breakfast.

From 8 A.M to 11 A.M, I lock myself into my room with nothing but my watch, my Math Paper. And I beat the shit out of that lil bitch. 3 hours with breaks. That keeps me sharp.

11 A.M, I’m mentally drained but I feel accomplished. I have setting up lunch.

After eating lunch is a tricky time. I usually slip in those hours, easily got into procrastination. So I sleep and wake up with my mom. She’s enjoying her son spending time with her.

It’s 2 P.M. I pack my shit. Read until 2.45. I get on the bus, it leaves at 3. I get off and walk home. It’s 5. I shower to freshen up and go eat a banh my.

Class is out at 9. So I still have plenty of energy left in me. I go home and figure out what basic Math formula still bothers me.

Chưa thuộc sin 2 góc, cos 2 góc, khoảng cách giữa điểm với đường thẳng, 2 đường chéo nhau.

DONE.

DAILY JOURNAL #44.

00H13 01 06 2017

HOME.

Action Speak Louder than Words

Ironically, those are the words to live by.

It seems that common sense is not so common in these days. Everyone has heard of this saying but few has actually listened.

I’m no exception. My mouth is way ahead of my actions. And it’s only now that I have somewhat come to the conclusion of how delusional most people are about their “vision”.

Everyone has goals, believes, dreams to fulfill but few have the courage, the resilience to follow through with it. Take New Year Resolution for example, people always overexaggerate what they can do for a week but underestimate what they can do in a year.

I always think I can be that, be this. I can amount to great things and achieve wonders. But those were just words as drifty as sand castles on a raging beach.

I have to take that sandy mouth of mine and turn into hard iron, action.

This daily journal is a transformation for me. This is the 43th day. This also is my 6th day of mediation. This is also the third week I’m back at the gym. All of my action has just started their baby steps. If I can keep my words, my self-esteem will quadruple.

Also, this can also be a good way to filter out people. Next time if I were to be judging anther person, I would just look at his action. His words don’t mean shit.

Quick Update

Today, the evening was shaky. Me and my girlfriend talked.

The afternoon was good. It’s very inspiring to meet up with my 2 big brothers from America.

The morning, everything went according to plan.

Tomorrow, I make up in my literature. I try as much time alone to do my homework as possible.

Tomorrow is the final show of highshool, i am not that emotional. I understand why. It’s all karma.

Daily Journal #41

1h08AM

29 05 2017

A Night To Remember

Tonight is the last night of my high school life.

And I’m still stuck in my head for most of the time. I keep thinking about whether I’m fitted for this school, whether I’m cool in this school, whether I have any impact. I kept thinking and thinking.

All these thinking makes my mind go anxious and unease. In some way, I feel like I’m still just that tenth-grade boy after all.

I feel so insecure, small and crippled by the presence of others in this school. I told myself that:”If I were to be a leader in this school, I wouldn’t be feeling any of this, I would be crying, I would be drowned in sadness.” But on other side, I told myself that:”I’m not fit for this school, I have my own thing and I don’t have to follow their way.”

May be I’m right, may be I’m bullshitting myself. But there’s a few certain things. I’m insecure and crippled with fear whenever there’s a school activity that takes place. I have never poured my heart and soul to do anything for this school.

And I could have tried to change that. I could have tried to really test if I’m fitted or not. Instead, I just keep wondering in my own head.

I have to be more rational, to have more common sense, to be grounded, to stay away from all the noises and toxic stories that my mind makes up.

This summer, I am grounded.

*****

Tomorrow, people will take a day off. I am not. It’s a chance that I will take to catch up a little bit.

I wake up, meditate and have breakfast with Hoang’s family. It’s a noisy but warm household. They like me and I like them. They have a really popular dog. His name is Mun. He likes me too.

I go home. I make love to Math until noon. I have a date with brother Viet at 3pm so I have to get ready. I take the Math paper and the biography of Benjamin Franklin with me. I have bun cha for lunch, go straight to the bus stop and take a bus to Hoan Kiem Lake. I will have myself a delicious tea and wait for him.

After that, I go to Nhung’s place. We hug and cuddle. I try really hard and finish my Literature.

I write again and I go to sleep.

It’s a lovely day tomorrow.

Daily Journal #39

28 05 2017 1h33AM

Hoang’s home.