I have been on my journey to spiritual pursuit for almost 2 weeks now. I have meditated for almost 10 hours over the course of 12 days, consistently and substantially more than what I have done in the last year. I’m serious this time.

Today, I tried the “Determination Sit”, a method which I learned from Leo, a spiritual and self-development, virtual mentor of mine, who learned from the zen master Shinzon Young. Last year, I tried this and was able to sit for 40 minutes without moving. Eyes gazing into the darkness of the night, I was motionless. My mouth started to water as I drew my breaths, I wetted my whole shirt. That was intense.

Today, I sat for 1 hour and 4 minutes. I aimed for 2 hours. I got distracted and gave in to the urge of getting up. Nevertheless, the number is impressive comparing to the last time.

This time, I fixed my eyes on a specific spot on the balcony of the house right across my room, being like about 4 meters away. 

And I have not once look away from that spot, but the imagery I perceived was crazy. From just a small, concrete part of a balcony, I saw the skeleton head of the Terminator, an eel, an old man with a beard, a raging shark bursting out of the surface and all kinds of shit. Between me and the spot is my window, which is covered with aluminum bars. And I guess my spacial sensor was over stimulated, as I saw much more bars, or the spot would be zoomed out, turning into a little rectangle far away, neatly divided by the window bars. I blinked, squinted my eyes and these changes would become more apparent. Near the end of my sitting, I let go the control of concentrating on the clear vision, and the whole imagery melted and dripped down in half a second. That was the most Oh shit! moment of this entire session.

About technique, this time I was pretty solid. My eyes were open so I was much more alert. Additionally, I just took a shower so my whole body eased out more easily and loosely. I tried the Do-Nothing method: letting whatever happens happenned and dropping all intention of controlling attetion. I still got trapped along the way, inadvertently controlling the attetion, cutting out the stream of my consciousness. But overall, great progress has been made in terms of relaxing, deep concentration.

Another technique I used was the Looking Inquiry: repeatingly asking myself:”Who am I?” and trying to come up with an honest answer, an answer based on feelings and intuition, not logic nor thoughts. I got nowhere, but I will say that my concentration was much deeper than I have ever went in meditation sessions.

Also, I received one interesting mini insight. Why was I seeing those imagery? Why can’t I see that spot for what it actually is, which is just paint, concrete and dust? Why does my mind constantly try to re-paint it with my shit? Asking myself these question was quite fascnitating. May be it’s the ego that’s always desperately trying to seperate us from reality. I’m not sure. May be tomorrow I will dive deeper.

But for today, it was a good meditation session.

18h56 12 07 2017


Did I miss something?

I feel like i have missed something. I feel like there must have been a few phases of my life that I have skipped.

This is what I have been taught by my mom, my dad, my teachers, my peers, my society:

First you must be an excellent student. When school is finished, you must be someone who makes a lot of money and has a high social status, someone who others look up to and admire, an inspiration of sort. Then you must continue to climb the social ladder, marry a fine girl, have some children.

Then you can be happy. 

That is the blueprint, the ideal path that leads to a “fulfilling”,”worthy” life. You must crave for more, fight for more, struggle for more.You must endure hardship, the ups and downs of the journey to achieve Greatness. Only by this way, as society said, can you be satisfied with your current state, can you let go and enjoy, can you be HAPPY. 

Shit. I’m 17. And I’m happy as fuck. I wake up and do what I love to do. I read, I do my research. I socialize, get together with friends, share a couple of dirty jokes and laugh like a bunch of hyenas. I’m pretty content with my life.

But I used to worship that blueprint, I used to have a grand vision of how big I’m going to make it in life, I used to be obssessed with success. But now I realized, all those external forces, all the shining medals, the money, the luxurious $ $ are the biggest lie we have deceived ourselves. 

Don’t get me wrong, we can not live without materialistic necessity, but are we blowing its importance out of propotion? Yes. Yes we are.

We are neglecting the essential ingredient, your soul. Are you in good terms with your values, your beliefs? When was the last time you did some reflection on the purposes of your doings? Are you happy?

All that being said, I chose a different path. It’s pretty lonely here. I dont see alot of people on this road so it makes me question my decisions in life, whether I make the right turns at the crossroads. I don’t have much plans as my peers, they seem so oriented, all rushing to chase something. A goal, a destination.

I’m still so young, if Im already happy. Will my life be better or worse for this? I dont know, just have to wait and see.

Funny to think about it, if I already got the end result, if I have already “made it”, society can’t tell me nothing.

00.49. 7/11/2016. Sleep.

This is a pic of me looking pretty relaxed and happy.

How far have you travelled?

Tell me now.How far have you travelled? Have you been to the ocean? Have you seen the mountains? Have you felt the breeze fondling your skin on a long country road, while biking through a green, fresh paddy field, full of that precious spring atmosphere.

I dont think you need to. You should, but you don’t need to.

Supposed you are around my age, surely you have gone to the Mountains of Joy, the Ocean of Sadness, the Lake of Isolation. You must have seen how Tides of Memories, of Nostalgia rise and fall, frequently or scarcely. If so, in a twisted way, you have already travelled a lot. I have seen some shit too. And all are parts of a bigger picture, a collective consciousness that we call inner journey, travelling through range of emotions, feelings…

But why does all the places i have just mentioned above don’t become tourist attractions? Why aren’t we consciously setting our actions to experience more, to feel more, to see more of that inner wonders. I’m not saying that actually travelling isn’t worthwhile, it is, I’m saying we are not balancing justly yet.

May be diving in the inner journey isn’t what we are taught at schools? May be it’s a bit scarry to go to some dark places, when you are traumatized, petrified, terrified. But you can’t push it down and hope it to decompose either, face the music. Go there, travel without travelling. Develop your tenderness, sensiblity to the surrounding, increase  the awareness of your own body.

Watch some movies and cry your eyeballs out.

Read a poetry and try to feel it in your body.

Learn to understand art. That shit is really really good.

Imma end with this.

Outter journey (REAL travelling) is the stuff that you see on the screen in the movies. Inner journey is the light that determines whether the film is blurry, colourful, UHD or just 144pixel like a potatoes. You must have both for the film to be good.

Dont forget that light. It’s just as importance.

Just a pic i took, feeling the breeze internally and externally.

AT my favourite steak place. To Hieu. Alone at 12h43. I should leave now. The waiters and waitresses are looking at me strange.
#innerjourney #art #travel

What am I doing here?

It has been forever since i last put my feelings and thoughts in English. I tried to use my mother toungue in writing as much as I could to expand my audience. After awhile, it felt awkward.

Enough with the sidenotes.

I am living my life outside the realm of social standards, value systems, which is slowly but surely making me feel disoriented, baffled, kind of lost.

 Schooling is often tiring, homework is neglected, especially Math and other Science subjects. I just do enough to have an acceptable grade, not to disappoint my mom and dad. I choose to spend my time learning outside of classrooms. 

Books on skills, personal development, tons of videos on personal development, conversation with friends, intelligent, brilliant friends. Understanding culture is my most noticable, current passion, or at least interest. Luckily, I can channel this to about 3 subjects: literature, history, geography. And also English, but that doesn’t really count. I can work hard on these, insanely hard. Because they drive me, excite me, stimulate my brain, in other words, make me feel alive. But I can’t dive nose into this right now and abandonning everything else.

 Let’s say I have found what makes me tick, what now? What do I do with all of this energy? What should I do? How can I balance all of these fields?

Fuck. Life of a 17 year old boy who are about to face college spawns endless questions. And sadly, the adults, the teachers don’t have the answer for most of it. They can’t give me insights that they don’t have. I know it is unfair to overgeneralize all the adults, but from my situation, more than 90% don’t know what the fuck is going on. So be careful, your parents may love you truly, but they simply are not wise enough to satisfy your spritual, intellectual pursuit.

I guess I’m lost . I’m a halfass who standing at a crosspoint. Well, but at least i’m 17, if i fuck up, there’s still plenty of time to learn and move on.

I like how oddly aesthetic my face decided to look. 

1.06 a.m. N’s place. 3/11/2016.