A Change

I have promised myself to write at 11 P.M every night no matter what. If you check out my latest entries, you can tell that I have failed to live up to this promise. Last night I almost didn’t write. And the night before that I didn’t even bother to write, let alone writing on time. So the practice has been all downs and no up for the past few days. May be it’s time for a change.

I will write as soon as I wake up each morning from now on. I have tried to do this in school time, but failed to do so because of the limit of time was too short to make use of. And in addition to the entry time, I will also add another edition to my posts: everything will be at least 750 words. That’s a frightening amount of work to be done, since I average at about 200 words per post.

Last night I had trouble sleeping. My body keeps twisting and turning from left to right. It was hot, but I don’t think that was the issue. The room is dirty as fuck. The floor is sticky with dirt. The blankets are all messy, the bed is out of place. Everything together gets on my nerve. But I was lazy so I didn’t bother to make an effort to clean up. So I slept in a messy environment. I think I had a bad sleep. Waking up and not feeling rested at all.

But when was the last time I feel rested after a sleep? I honestly couldn’t remember. Each sleep misses its mark. I fall asleep at 2 in the morning and wake up at 10. And the whole morning is wasted. It has been like this for so long, too long. The amount of hours spent for sleeping is right, but the routine is all messed up. I should be sleeping way ealier. I have always told myself to adjust myself to sleep before midnight. That never works out.

There’s a few things I can do about that. I should make the most out of the last two hours of the morning: from 10 to 12 A.M. it’s time for writing, time for meditation, time for cleaning up. I can clean up my messy room, fold the blankets, wash myself with cold shower.

Last night I dreamt about a girl that’s not my girl. I dreamt about kissing her on the lips, just gently like two students from secondary school, not passionately like two full-grown adults. Even in my dream, I can feel the guilt. I can feel my conscience kicking in, judging me, telling me to behave yourself. I know my action is wrongful, consciously. But subconsciously, there’s something that still triggering those kind of dreams. There’s still something inside of me that still can not be completely happy with a relationship, no matter what.

But let’s not fool myself, there will always be that part in me no matter what. Looking back on my previous relationship, things seemed like pure fun and games, like we got along from start ’til end. That kind of retrospect is severely biased and incredibly harmful to our current present. I had problems too, a lot of them. We too had fights, argues, moments of doubts. It was a wonderful relationship and I’m grateful for having, but it was not complete sunshine and rainbow.

So I think I will actually be fine. These kinds of doubts will always surface, but I have a choice now. Instead of violently reacting to eat, trying to suppress, conceal it, I can be detached, neutral about it. I can choose what kind of respond I will give it. And coming from this place, I can be much more compassionate and loving. I love my girl and I love my current state of being. I have lots of problems, true to that. But it’s okay, who doesn’t.

It’s still under 750 words. This is going to take a lot longer than I thought. And this is just the first day of the change. Bumpy road ahead for you, Khánh. It’s not actually hard to write down. All of these is more like a stream of consciousness than a tightly proportioned piece of writing. So I can let myself loose and the words can just flow out. But for 750 words to flow out daily, I will need some practice. And also, I have already had the experience of writing 50 entries to be the foundation for this. All of those posts, long or short, aspiring or timid, is now serving a better, bigger purpose. They will be the laying bricks for this transformation.

And I think I need this transformation. I have been wondering how to level up my writing process. And also, those latest posts are really blend and lazy. To write 750 words a day will definitely shake up my thinking. I will be completely honest and open in my writing. Everything will be poured out to revaluate and purified. I have to admit, I haven’t been completely honest in my 50 ealier posts. I still dodge some touchy, insecure subjects. There are still aspects of my life that I can’t face down and have a direct confrontation. I was still much in my shelf.

I think I might have hit 750 words by now.

Daily Journal #52
10h32 A.M
10 06 2017

LOSING MOMENTUM

I’m sleepy for most of today. I slept all morning. I played around until 3.30 in the afternoon. Then started to do some Math for 1 hour. Then was so bored that I meditated, took a shower and what not until 6.

I spent another 3 hours doing things.

Got back to my flat at 9.30. Then dozed off to sleep at 10. Woke up again but couldn’t sleep.

I feel like I’m losing my momentum. I feel like I’m losing the drive that I need to get things done in this precious time.

Oh boy.

Daily Journal #52

1h32 A.M

10 06 2017

Tiny Flat

I’m sick

Nose is running. Body heat is raising. Productivity level is drastically dropping.

I have been been under the weather for about 2 days. It’s exactly 2 weeks away from the exam. Time is precious.

I have to battle this illness. The battle is making me sleepy, so I need to study right after I wake up tomorrow. No more English. It’s not that essential. The closer the exam gets, the sloppier and the less determined people seem to be. May be they are burnt out, exhausted. May be the work-hard-before-the-test mindset is just a grand delusion that most people tell themselves all the three years to sleep bettet at night. They haven’t developed a routine to support their goal, so it never actually happens. It’s funny to think about it.

I am in the “them” too. I, too, thought I would be studying much harder than this. But I don’t feel the urge to do so. That’s what bad about studying basing on your mood: too unpredictable. It’s too unstable to produce tangible results.

Literature is the number 1st priority. 

Math is second.

Tomorrow I will finish the Math Paper. I study it in the morning and the early afternoon.

The evening is spent on Literature.

Daily Journal #51

00h51 09 06 2017

Nhung’s place.

4/4

The plan was to do one Math test, one English test and one Literature test a day.

I did exactly that for a day. The first day.

So technically, I failed. I did not do one Literature test a day. But I put in the hours, and it feels good.

Today I spend 1 hour learning English. Spending time with my friends.

Here are the plans for the next 4 days:

-1 mock Math test a day.

-1 mock English test a day.

-memorize 2 Literature Text a day.

Daily Journal #50

2.07 AM

Home.

3/4

I almost forgot to write this today. Phew.

I did everything that I planned to do today. I did a mock Math test, an English mock test and spend time learning 2 literature text.

The Math is doing well, I continue to find out where my missing holes are. Definitely need to fill in.

The English is pretty solid. One hour a day is perfectly adequate.

But I can go much harder at Literature. I will spend 3 hours tomorrow to learn 2 more texts. Dive deeeeep.

I also got a side hustle going on, tomorrow I have to make 3 phone calls to figure out how to throw an American-Themed Party in Hanoi.

As of now, I like where I am. I have a wonderful girl, a decent family, a kickass squad and great health.

Daily Journal #49

00h44 A.M 06 06 2017

Ba Ngoai’s home.

2/4

I did one Math mock test, one English mock test. According to plan, I must do another Literature test. But part of me is too lazy to do spend 2 more hours to do it, part of me is telling me that it’s not the best way to learn Literature at the moment. So I turned to read and learn by heart one text now.

It’s not that exhausting to spend time  studying all day. I still took a nap, had lunch and dinner and took some breaks, but for the majority of the day, I spend studying. And it’s not as excruciatingly demanding like I thought.

I can do this!

Tomorrow I took a Math Test from 2 to 5 P.M, so I will need to re-schedule a few things. I will learn Literature in the morning, and English in the evening.

Daily Journal #48

12h03 AM

06 05 2017

1/4

I have put in 1 hour to do one mock Math test. Another 1 hour to correct and revise it.

1 hour to an English test.

I need to put in 3 more hours. Fuck! This is a lot of work.

I need to write one more Literature test.

Put in 1 more hour of doing Math.

Let’s go. (22h55)

****

It’s 2 in the morning. It took longer than I thought.

It’s time for sleep now. I’m still 1 hour short of Math. Fuck.

Tomorrow. I’m a slave to my calendar.

Daily journal #47

2.00 AM 04 06 2017

Hoang’s place.

19 days left

It’s 23h00, the sixth of June. Summer has arrived, bringing the wrath of the Sun. It’s boiling hot here in Hanoi. I feel like my head would get fried if I expose myself past 1 hour on the street.

I have 19 days left before the University Entrance.

How can I maximize the time that I have left? How can I make progress by leap and bound in the upcoming days?

I really have to more specific than that.

Right now, my Math is at about 7 out of 10, my Literature is at about 7,5 out of 10 and my English is at about 9 out of 10. Put together, I am at 23,5 out of 30, which is not enough for me to get into what I want.

I need to hit that 25/30 mark.

I need to improve my grades by 1,5.

So the best way to do it is by raising each subject by 0,5.

With English, I have to do more test.

With Literature, I have to memorize all the poems, all the general frames, all of the basic, fundamental knowledge.

With Math, I have to speed up. I have to fill in the missing fundamental knowledge. Also I need to practice much more to fasten my reflexes.

The best way I can think of to do all of these above is by putting on much much more work. I need to study for at least 6 hours a day.

Here’s the plan for the upcoming 4 days:

Morning: 3 hours of Math. A mock test for 1 hour. 2 hours to revise and correct it.

Afternoon: 2 hours of Literature. Do a mock Test.

Night: 1 mock English mock test for 45 minutes. 15 minutes to revise and correct it.

****

Today I have put in about 2 hours of Maths. That’s clearly not enough.

I will put in 30 minutes more before I go to bed.

11h18 PM

02 06 2017

 

One Kick for A Thousand Days

I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.

Bruce Lee said that. Habit formation is unbelievably underestimated in terms of its impact on our lives.

I’m aware of its importance. But only very recently did I try to put into work. By writing my daily journal, I aim to keep a habit of producing written content everyday.

Today is my 45th post of my journey, which I can proudly say is somewhat of an achievement. I’m aware that I has not always put my full effort into writing these. But I have never skipped once, and that’s my initial goal.

My friend, there is no change unless a change in your routine. Because how you live your day will determine how your entire life. Pick a goal, break it down into sizable action and do it everyday until it is ingrained in your subconscious.

This is the most important message I am carrying right now, nothing matters until you take action.

And I realize I have been missing my goal with this because of one mistake: everyday, same routine, same hour. I forgot about latter.

Everyday from now on, I will write my post at exactly 11 P.M, no matter what.

Daily Journal #45

11h20 P.M 01 06 2017

Nhung’s Place.

Procrastination still Slips In.

There are only 3 weeks between me and the most important day of my life so far.

I remember not long ago I used to think I still have plenty of time. 200 days. 100 days. 50 days. Now. 21 days.

I procrastinated a lot through those day. I keep thinking that there is still plenty of time. There is always a tomorrow, right?

But the closer I get to the examination, the more I realize it’s just a lie I’ve been feeding to myself. There is no someday, there is only today. There is no tomorrow, there is only now.

And if now always think about not now, there will be no time.

Easier to understand than to apply.

I just procrastinated for one hour. I did nothing. Why? I have no clue. I guess it’s something we can’t rationalize.

I can only do. There’s a choice: to keep arguing, convincing that narrative in my mind, or ignore it and put myself into the work.

After writing the previous sentence, I jumped right in writing my essay. I have finally finished it. Exactly at midnight, but not after I have procrastinated for 2 more times though.

It seems that my mind can’t stay focus for that long yet. After about 30 minutes, I find myself easily distracted. Oh, put the phone away too. It will distract you for sure.

So I figure, even in writing, I should take a short break, about 5 minutes. Back in 30 minutes, out in 5.

***

Here’s what going to happen tomorrow: 

I wake up when my mother calls me. I immediately meditate, because that will be my 8th day now. It’s 7.20 in the morning. I get dressed up and go have breakfast with mom. It’s been a while since I eat breakfast.

From 8 A.M to 11 A.M, I lock myself into my room with nothing but my watch, my Math Paper. And I beat the shit out of that lil bitch. 3 hours with breaks. That keeps me sharp.

11 A.M, I’m mentally drained but I feel accomplished. I have setting up lunch.

After eating lunch is a tricky time. I usually slip in those hours, easily got into procrastination. So I sleep and wake up with my mom. She’s enjoying her son spending time with her.

It’s 2 P.M. I pack my shit. Read until 2.45. I get on the bus, it leaves at 3. I get off and walk home. It’s 5. I shower to freshen up and go eat a banh my.

Class is out at 9. So I still have plenty of energy left in me. I go home and figure out what basic Math formula still bothers me.

Chưa thuộc sin 2 góc, cos 2 góc, khoảng cách giữa điểm với đường thẳng, 2 đường chéo nhau.

DONE.

DAILY JOURNAL #44.

00H13 01 06 2017

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