I didn’t tell anyone about my recurring my nightmares when I was kid.
Sometimes it’s an ice-skating rings. Sometimes it’s just plain ice, a very thick layer of ice. There was a thin layer of snow covering patches of the surface. And it was dark, with a light source that seems to come out of nowhere. The only thing you could see was the ice surrounding your feet and the total darkness swallowing you. But it’s not really your feet, because I wasn’t there. I wasn’t part of that scene as a kid. I was just watching.
A big golemn made of rock was sliding through that ice. It was so nice, the golemn was enjoying itself there. It was just playing, with no intention of leaving the ice. It didn’t care there was nothing around, it just needed the ice. The gigantic creature enjoyed the ice so much that it didn’t care about its own weight. If the golemn fell, it could break the ice and sink into the freezing water underneath.
Here came the butterfly out of nowhere. So there were 3 things in place now: the ice, the golemn and the butterfly. The butterfly teased with the golemn, it seemed not really interested in the ice like the golemn. The golemn greeted the butterfly with a derpy smile, it slid along with the butterfly, all was playing.
This terrified me. Thinking about it now, the goosebump is still there. I can not really pin-point exactly why it scares me or even explain the scene in a rational way all together. But somehow, the dynamic between the three things put my back hair straight up. Maybe the golemn would kill the fragile butterfly because golemn wants to hug the butterfly. Maybe the butterfly would take the golemn too far, into the darkness with no way to turn back. Maybe the golemn and the butterfly would get too much fun, the ice would break and kill the rock golemn.
The nightmare tried to tell me something, but I don’t know what it means. But the imagery never once leaves my mind.
Another recurring nightmare came to me during highschool.
There were 2 versions, but the feelings were the same. I was either climbing a hill or trying to write.
The hill was very very steep. Each step I took, I had to stretch my leg as far as I could to get a steady pacing. It was not bumpy at all. Just a plain hill, a steep one at that. I never looked up to see how tall the hill really was. But the more I climbed, the farther to the top it felt. Then I paniced, I realized there was no summit, I was just climbing in a circle.
I was sitting in my class, writing a paper. I guess I was sitting through an exam, because everyone was silent and focused on their own work. Hence the atmosphere was unusually tense. It was summer time, the sweat was slowly greasing my hands. The loud fan was making that chuk chuk noise, flapping away the heat. I was writing something on the paper. But the more I tried to write, the heavier my hands felt. I didn’t understand what was going on, but there was a rushing feeling that I felt: I need to write more, I need to write faster. Despite my effort, I was slowly loosing my grip on the pen.
This nightmare is especially terrifying even to me these days. I guess I was under stress when I had these dreams. I was crying due to helplessness. I felt lost, looping in a downward spiral. I was so emotional during those dreams, I think I cried in these scenerios.
Getting over her is especially hard these days. I see her everywhere. The thoughts of her keep rushing into my head space, it took me to a helpless state. Just thinking about her made my heartbeats a little bit faster. And when I actually see her, I skipped a beat.
She doesn’t look back at me though. I guess she’s trying to help me.
I crave for a stop in this. I want to fastforward to a time when I don’t feel anything when I think of her. I want to skip all the days ahead and jump in the mind space of not having to think about her every second, every day anymore.
I want to be free of her.
But. I can’t do that. I just have to deal with this. This is life, this is all there is. I can’t escape it nor go around it. And I shouldn’t. Because when I’m done with all these feelings and emotions, it would be one hell of a story to tell.
beingcaokhanh 