TEST IS TOMORROW

Good morning everybody. Yes, I have managed to get up before noon. What an amazing feat of accomplishment! Last night was hard to sleep, perhaps I shouldn’t have drunken that tea when I had dinner; it kept me up until 2. On the other hand, thinking about the plans I have in store for the future also got me excited and wide awake. I have decided to make more movies. So at around 2 A.M last night, I got up and went to the bathroom to document myself about the University Exam. I realize how awesome it would be to have concrete data about one of the most memorable time of my life. Imagine 30 years from now, and I can see the beginning of the journey, the young and naive self of mine, unknowingly talking about the future.

And everyone should do this. We know live in a place and time where technology has brought along the future. Just with a simple 0,3 kilogram device that you can hold in your pocket, you have an entire camera crew with you: from visual to audio to storage. We can film everywhere at anytime. We can document our life! So you don’t have to be fancy about your equipment, just pick up a phone and start recording your current state of mind.

The best thing about documenting your life is that it can keep track of your transformation. Let’s say you were 4 when you started documenting. And let’s say now you are 18, like me. That would have been 14 years worth of data. You can see yourself the puberty comes, the innocence and purity of the young minds. The growth captured in films would be astonishing! And we are just 18, imagine how crazy it will be to be looking back from 80. We can have an archive of our entire life right in front of our eyes. And through that documentation, endless stories, memories will be preserved and intact. The day that you met the girl you like, the day that you proposed to her, the day you had the first son… All will be captured in front of your hands.

That’s pretty powerful to actually possess such an ability.


BIG DAY TOMORROW

Today is the last day before the test. How fast time has flown by. I remember just like yesterday when there was still 50 days apart. But that’s how life works, isn’t it? It just keep rolling and rolling down the hill whether you like it or not. And look what we have rolled into, the grand and notorious university entrance exam of the Great Vietnam. To be honest, I’m not worried yet. I’m not worried about the actual test, but I might be a little a bit unease about some dumb shit that may happen. May be I will wake up too late, may be I will have a stomachache…

Relax Khanh. Take a deep breath and meditate. You got this. Don’t get caught up in the stress or it will slow you down. Acknowledge it, be aware of it, but don’t give in to it.

I need a proper rest today. Hit the gym, have good food and sleep early. I will look into everything one more time, just to revise the poems. I will need all of my strength for tomorrow. I won’t be writing in tomorrow time probably, as the test takes place quite early in the morning. So I will be updating as soon as possible, may be at around 4 o’clock in the evening.

Not gonna lie, my hands and arms are a little bit trembling, shaking with anxiety. May be the stress has come, may be it’s time I got worried. But it’s okay, I’m allowed to be worried. It’s a big big test in world where tests still have a major influence over how you are perceived in the public eyes. I tell myself I’m not unhinged by the public. I am what I am and that’s all I will be. Remember that Khanh. You will love yourself no matter what. You will treat yourself like it’s your son, your father, your everything. And one test at the beginning of life can not test your love for yourself. Be stronger than that.


It’s a quarter past ten, I will need to hit the gym soon. My chest has seen a little bit of progress. Muscles have been formed in my upper chest, I can feel it contract more now when I do incline and bench press. The cable squeeze is still a bit problematic, I don’t know if I have the correct form or not. It’s time for the gym now!

Daily Journal #60

10h18

21 06 2017

Tiny Flat

Lid of Emotion | A Plan for the Future

I may have fucked up my Wordpress layout. It looked out of proportion and messy now. I realize I’m quite of a visual guy, who often obsess over small details, the fonts, the layout imagery, the overall proportion. I love it when a website can capture my attention and drag me in with its visual. The easier it is for the eyes, the easier it will be for the brain. That being said, my page is looking horrible. I may or may not changing to Medium because of this.

WordPress seems quite disconnect as a social platform. After 3 months of consistently using it, I have no idea how or what the world of other WordPress users is. Partly because I wasn’t trying to reach out, partly because WordPress didn’t lure me in. I have just checked out the Discovery tab in the Reader. I didn’t know that many people used WordPress. It’s funny for me to see someone having 13 million followers on here, because I have a feeling I’m the only user here.


PLAN FOR THE FUTURE

But I should do more digging into the Discovery. I’m looking for a new goal. After I have my free time, I will definitely be making films, documentaries, vlogs… I wonder how my writing will fit in with my future expressing repertoire. The word “repertoire” sounds so fancy. I want to be able to express myself. I want to speak, I want to scream, I want to chant, I want to chat, I want to discuss, I want to converse,  I want to connect.

I know I have something within me that is valuable for others, and the more I can extract, the more entertained, educated, informed people would be. It’s a novel goal to give back and care for other people. But truthfully, it feels so good to be heard and appreciated. I do it first and foremost for myself, not for any humanitarian driven motivation.

I need skills for that vision to happen. And the past year has significantly about improving my writing ability. I have gained much more competence and confidence in writing. I haven’t dabbled into creative writing yet, but just the fact that now I can comfortably voice out my opinion, my thoughts in a written platform is amazing. There’s still a lot of room for me to improve and horn my skills. I still have a long and bumpy road ahead.

But I have always wanted to do films. As far as I can remember, I have always wanted to be involved in films. I wanted to be an actor because an actor can be any body, doing anything. Now I want to be a film-maker to tell a story, any story that I find intriguing. Like I have mentioned above, visual has always been a thing of mine. Or may be because I just like flashy stuff. And it’s much easier to get a critique for a film than a for a writing. People can just use their overall sensibility to comprehend a film, and not have to think, reason and question like when they are reading a piece of literature.

So this summer, I will make films. I have confidence that I can edit a simple documentary. I will make a documentary on this Exam, this Test, The Test. I haven’t mapped out how exactly the film will be. I will do that on the evening of this Thursday.


CRACKING OPEN THE EMOTION LID

Last night, I was honest with myself and with Nhung about my addiction to porn. Yes, I’m addicted to porn. I have been addicted since I was 9. That’s 8 years of watching, reading pornographic material. I didn’t want to confront with this harsh truth, but this me coming out clean.

I feel like there’s a trauma hidden deep inside of my psyche that has led me to abusing porn. I can feel a lid, an emotion lid that’s suppressing those trapped emotion inside of me. Oddly enough, I can even feel where exactly that lid is on my body. But I can’t do anything about it. That’s what making me frustrated.

I want to face those inner demons. I’m sick and tired of being in the turbulence. I want to cry, I want to shout and scream in agony. I just want to let them a chance to be processed and finally let me be. Let me be free of these torments. I do not know how to do that yet. The closest thing to a catharsis I have achieved is meditation and stretching before working out. It cleanses my mind for a while. May be I should be doubling down on that.


 

The day after tomorrow is the big test. It’s coming. It’s here. And it’s okay. Today I will continue to revise Literature and do one more English test just for fun.

Daily Journal #60

10h10 A.M

20 06 2017

Nhung’s place

The Proper Way To Deal With Mistake

It’s noon and I’ve just woken up. I have lost a morning to sleeping, Needless to say, I’m quite furious with myself. I have got a really bad sleeping routine. I stayed up until 4 A.M and slept until now.

I have got about 12 hours left of the day to make it count. I can not take back the lost time, but I can control what I’m going to do in the upcoming hours. Let’s not get furious and lose our cool. It’s no use to dwell on the past emotionally. What’s done is done. I can get up, dust off my shoulders and move on.


Wrongfully Dwelling On Mistakes

This is a thing that we do. We make a mistake and we beat ourselves over and over because of it. We think that’s a good way to remind ourselves not to repeat that mistake. We think that pain is a good incentive, a powerful whip that will ingrain in our consciousness the lesson if we beat ourselves hard enough. I do that to myself. Whenever I make a mistake, my reaction is to get angry, to be furious, to be very emotional. Let’s say today, I wake up late, my initial reaction was to talk trash about myself:” You’re a loser. I can’t believe you can still do that. Don’t you know that the Test is almost here. Why can you still sleep in. You don’t deserve to be loved…”

4c67d44ce465e1a7874c3419592ad4dcb211e8cf356147c07f2f013c034f4f2d

The bad thing about that kind of negative, neurotic reaction is that I do not become more productive, I do not take better care of myself the next time, I do not make any changes. I know this from experience through numerous occasions: it keep coming back. So the whip does not work. Why doesn’t it work? I do not know yet a clear answer. But I think because it does not intelligently tackle the roots of the problem, it just trimmed out the branches, the surface and the symptoms.

I have never rationally asked myself: ” Why do you wake up so late?”

I stay up late so I wake up late. And if so, why don’t I get furious with myself from staying up late in the first place? Why do I keep watching videos after videos even though I clearly know what the consequences will be? Where’s the whip then?

The whip seems to be out of place. It’s a form of pseudo discipline. If I manage to wake up early this morning, I would be feeling fine, proud of myself even. But I shouldn’t be, because I’m not getting sufficient amount of sleep, hence even waking up early, my efficiency wouldn’t be the best it can be. So feeling angry and irritated in the morning makes no sense when I’m still enjoying myself until 4 A.M.

So I did not do wrong when I woke up at noon. What I did wrong was not shutting off at the right time, not scheduling my day properly so that I will feel asleep when the night has come. My mistake was the whole yesterday!

Hadn’t I taken a rational approach, I wouldn’t be able to make this conclusion. So to get up early tomorrow, it does not actually require a huge amount of willpower, but a better planning and executing of today. I need to work hard to sleep deep!


STAYING CALM UNDER PRESSURE

We got emotional so easily, especially when things get hard. But whoever harvest the ability of self-restrain, self-control and self-aware will find himself extremely advantageous comparing to others. We can make better decisions. We can choose what type of emotions, mood is appropriate. We can choose not to break, not to succumb to the stressful environment.

That’s a superpower.

Imagine you making a speech in front of thousands of people. You do not violently react to the judging eyes, to the fleeting attraction spand, to the silence of the audience. You stay on top of your game and give the best delievery you can possibly produce. It may not be good enough, but it will be thest you can be.

All areas of your life will be benefited from you having this power. You will control of your emotions, will be the master of yourself. There noone who can make you scared, make you crumble, make you weak.

br

I can only imagine how my life will be if I possess this ability. It is said that meditation can take me there. Meditation can help me control my thoughts. That’s a really good reason to start meditating.


Daily Journal #57

12h30 15 06 2017

Nhung’s place

Bundle of Thoughts

It’s 11 A.M when I woke up. I missed a phone call from Nhung. I didn’t even hear the alarm. I missed the rain. I remembered an image of Nhung sitting by the side of the bed before leaving. And the last thing I can remember before I fall asleep is her telling me to be strong, healthy for the upcoming test. She really cared for me. Sometimes I wonder if she ever gets irritated of me for over-relying on her. I sleep at her place, eat her food, use her stuff. She really takes care of me and I’m grateful for having her by my side.


On Relationships

She’s even my only reader. She reads everything that I write! If it hadn’t been for her, I might be not even be writing these daily journals. Yesterday, she said every relationship has its own culture. I agree. Every relationship with everyone less or more define who you become. You shape each other through the topics that you talk about, the activities that you do, the mindset, the mood that you put yourself into. A close relationship alters your perception of reality, it changes your base line of what is normal, what is unacceptable.

We rub on each other, but also strive to complete each other. I have become more aware of taking care of my body, my diet, my health ever since I got close with Nhung. I have become more articulate, more rational, more level-headed through her influences. Later, when we got really close, I have become more cheerful, more childlike. I wonder what I have influenced her to become.

I think the key is that we have to be open to be influenced. I caught myself being stubborn, and reserved from her way of doing things a couple of time. Luckily I was aware of that so I immediately snapped out of that mindset and tried her way. We are often so used to how things got done in our ways that it’s a burden to change, to improve, to implement and upgrade. I think this is a major hindrance that’s keeping us from having a wonderful relationship, not just romantic, but also relationship in general.

I have just realized that is a really deep topic and require a lot of thinking. May be I shouldn’t have included this in.


On The Party

Today is supposedly the day that the other girl taking over the PR work. I’m eager to see what she brings to the table. But I’m quite skeptical about it. It seems that we will have to close our party because of the lack of attendees. Nhung was right. We are unprofessional, we underestimated the challenges of throwing a party.

And I think I have been an unprofessional my entire life, in everything that I do. I bounce around from topics to topics, this ideology to that ideology, this passion to that passion. Though it poses some benefits, I have been unable to dive deep, to really embody what I have learned and implement it on my daily life. I may know a lot about philosophy, culture, self-development, business. But all of those knowledge is untested, pure theoretical.

Just like the party, we have a grand idea for a party never seen before in Hanoi. But we failed at the execution. We did not know what to do and how to do. The scale of the party is too big, too ambitious for our current ability.

It’s very likely that we will fail.


On Going to the Gym

maxresdefault

I often find myself getting nervous in the gym, like under the influence of social anxiety. The fear of being judged for being too small, too weak. There’s a voice inside me that’s whisperously telling me I’m not supposed to be hear, I do not belong hear, I was not born for this.

I look around and see huge guys walking around the gods, like ancient Greek statues breathing and sweating. And there’s that voice again telling me I can never be like that. I can never be that big.  “There will always be a gap between you and those guys.” The voice keeping whispering in my mind. I get so easily trapped inside my own narrative.

But yesterday, I see that I’m not nearly the worst case. I saw a guy doing cable pull with a terrible form. I’m not big yet but at least I know what bad form is and how to avoid it. I told that guy about having bad form. And he kept doing it, looking away from me. Finished, he stood up and walked away. At first, I wanted to squash the shit out of him. I was not even noticed for trying to help, let alone being appreciated for that help. I was upset. But soon, I realized that guy has some serious problem. He clearly didn’t know what he was doing, but he seems so scared and insecure about that. Looking in the mirror, I noticed he was pushing his chest with a Smith machine. He kept looking around to find out whether he was being watched. There’s a dark, dense energy that I can sense from his eyes. And then, I knew he was just like me, may be a little even worse than me.

He is small, weak and new to the gym. He is alone. He doesn’t even know how to receive instruction yet. He’s on his own path. But I hope he doesn’t give up yet. I will speak to him again, with a better, gentler approach the next time.

We are never the only one who has our problem. But we like to convince ourselves that we do.


Daily Journal #56

12h15

14 06 2017

Nhung’s place

Fear of the Upcoming Days

So I woke up much earlier today: 10 A.M, at least when compared to yesterday. I have overslept for more than an hour. I should have woken up at 9. I went to bed at 11.30 P.M yesterday, just like I have stated. No distraction, no phone, no Internet, I went to sleep. And I fell asleep at around 12, lying next to my girlfriend.

Yesterday was a decent day, much more productive than the last few days. I did a Math test, an English test, wrote 3 pieces for my promotion tasks. But I didn’t study as much Literature as I should have. I could have put in at least one more hour of studying Literature.

And I have come to realize that not only am I disorganized in throwing a party, I am also all over the place in studying. I don’t have a clearly constructed plan with tangible objectives. I don’t have any strategy for any subject. To be honest with myself, I have no idea if I should study more or just stop right now. I feel like I haven’t been making any progress with my revision, so why bother?

There are 9 days left. Time has certainly flown through the window. I have doubts in myself. I don’t know if I will make it or not.

So let’s be clear now. What’s the worst that can happen if I fail?

  1. Everyone will make fun of me.
  2. My family will be ashamed of me.
  3. Nhung will be disappointed and leave me.
  4. I will have to spend the next 4 years studying in a school that I don’t want to.
  5. I will be ashamed of myself for not being good enough.

That’s what I can think of right now. Writing it down makes my heart a little bit less heavy. All of these negative emotions have been disturbing me for a while now. It’s time I faced it, and face it I will do.

Who cares if everyone makes fun of me? And is it really a big deal? Most people have already made fun of me at least once. Some teased me for being skinny, some teased me for my voice, some teased me for my height, some teased me for dressing a certain way, or speaking in a certain manners… Everybody has made fun of everybody. So that’s really not abnormal for them to make fun of me when I’m down in the dirt.

But also, can they be making fun of me? I’m sure I’m not the only one that’s feeling these doubts. I’m sure everyone who’s head, heart and soul is point towards this exam is feeling a bit of uneasy sensation too. We are all in our heads, worrying about our images in other people’s heads. May be some people, who have low socializing decency, will be making fun of me. But who am I too really care?

Actually, to really think about it. The 5 “worst things that can happen” above is quite ridiculous. Sure, there will be consequences of me failing the test. But whether or not will I let those consequences dictate my emotions, my self-esteem is a choice. I can choose how to cope with them. I can choose to view myself in anyway that I please. I have a choice to live life on my terms.

And I choose to love myself. I know I have lost precious time in procrastinating, misprioritizing. I know I have not always been the best that I can be. But I will not give up on myself. I will continue to better myself no matter what the outcome of the exam will be. I will continue to take care of myself: hitting the gym, training the mind, going on adventures. I will continue to be kind towards others, especially my loved ones. I will understand their perspectives, their motives and their feelings.

And I will continue alone, if need be.


That’s my current stream of consciousness. I also have a day ahead for me to make use of. I definitely should keep going to bed earlier and earlier. So tonight, I shut off at 11h15, no matter what. I hope I will fall asleep by 11h30. Tomorrow I will wake up at 8.

This afternoon, 3 hours will have been spent in Math class. The next 45 minutes, I hit the gym and train my chest. That will end in about 6 P.M. I will have a protein shake first, then a lovely meal to satisfy my stomach. The night, I spent reading about Literature from 8 P.M to 11 P.M

And now, I have a PR job to take care off. I will write a few posts in the next 30 minutes, then do an English test.

Daily Journal #54

10h55 A.M

12 06 2017

Quite Anxious

To be honest, I’m quite anxious not only about the upcoming exam, but also about the party that I’m joining to promote. There are 4 of us that come together and try to make this happen. One Vietnamese highschooler, three college students, two in America, one in Australia. So far, the girl from Australia hasn’t done anything. My girlfriend said we would fail, and she hopes this would be a learning opportunity for us. She says that we are too unprofessional, too disorganized, too ignorant. I think she may be true.

At first I think this would be just like throwing a small hangout party. We make some calls. invite some friends and gain some money. But apparently that is not the case when you hold a 50 million VND party with no experience whatsoever. We have overlooked our marketing strategy severely. There is little to no hype. We aren’t quite sure yet what to do in the next few days to boost the number of attendees. I wonder what else have we overlooked? May be we have overlooked everything. May be we can’t hit any selling points that we pitch. There’s a lot of discussion still left on the table.

This has already taught me a lesson: the real world isn’t that easy. It cleanse out the immature, the rushers, the hot-shots. If we aren’t willing to spend hours and hours of planning, strategizing from the teeth to the toe of the gig, things will get messy.

Now I’m currently in charge of the marketing department. I will have to carry this project for the next 4 days. I have written the plans, done the calculation. It’s time to put in the work. 2 posts a day.

It’s funny: I haven’t put in the actual works for a couple of days. Like the first sentence has mentioned, I’m also anxious about the upcoming exam. I still have a lot of work to do. This is not coming from a paranoid, worried, insecure viewpoint. This is a fact: I have to work much harder and cover a lot more lessons. I still have basic Math formulas that I’m not quite sure. I still have different types of social essay that needs to be strengthened. I still have to take more Math tests to fasten my reflexes.

Knowing all of this, I was still lazy for the last few days. I have been sleeping way too much. I have been watching Youtube video for hours on irrelevant topics. I have been skipping going to the gym. I have been drinking and eating unhealthy food that I feel like has fucked up my mood and made my body sick. I’m aware of it, but still, I haven’t taken action.

It’s almost 1 P.M. I have just woken up. I struggled and fell asleep at 4 A.M. That’s bad, really bad. Tonight, no matter what the fuck happens, I shut off and go to sleep at 11.30. Hopefully I would fall asleep at midnight. I need to reset my circadian rhythm and store energy for tomorrow.

To do that, I need to burn mental energy today. I need to actually work my brain into fatigue to sleep that soon. I still have 6 more hours to fill in the proper work. I also need to do some PR work in the evening, so that will be about 8 hours in total. If I use my time wisely and efficiently, I would be done by 10.

I would probably want to quit halfway through. So I need to make a plan that can counter that desire.

3 first hours: Math. 1 test. Fill up.

4th hour: English test. Fill up.

5th and 6th hour: Memorizing Literature. Use graphs.

7th hour: write posts.

8th hour: launch posts. DM-ing people. Asking influencers.

That’s the plan. I will do this today to get a good sleep. The closer I stay to the plan, the better sleep I will get. I haven’t been very productive. This is the chance to finally shake things up and put them into motion. And it’s Sunday, so most people will waste time.

My girlfriend just said she doesn’t understand why I don’t lower my words mark down to 600 so that I wouldn’t be rubbling everyday about how hard and how tedious the writing process is.

But that’s exactly the point. I want to put my consciousness into a solid form. If I wanted to make a message, this whole journal would have to be aligned to support that message. This is just me, putting everything that I’m currently thinking, feeling into words. It’s likely that things will get very repetitive. But that’s also a tool for me to better navigate inside my mind and put things in order.

Daily Journal #53

11 06 2017

13h06 A.M

Nhung’s place.

A Change

I have promised myself to write at 11 P.M every night no matter what. If you check out my latest entries, you can tell that I have failed to live up to this promise. Last night I almost didn’t write. And the night before that I didn’t even bother to write, let alone writing on time. So the practice has been all downs and no up for the past few days. May be it’s time for a change.

I will write as soon as I wake up each morning from now on. I have tried to do this in school time, but failed to do so because of the limit of time was too short to make use of. And in addition to the entry time, I will also add another edition to my posts: everything will be at least 750 words. That’s a frightening amount of work to be done, since I average at about 200 words per post.

Last night I had trouble sleeping. My body keeps twisting and turning from left to right. It was hot, but I don’t think that was the issue. The room is dirty as fuck. The floor is sticky with dirt. The blankets are all messy, the bed is out of place. Everything together gets on my nerve. But I was lazy so I didn’t bother to make an effort to clean up. So I slept in a messy environment. I think I had a bad sleep. Waking up and not feeling rested at all.

But when was the last time I feel rested after a sleep? I honestly couldn’t remember. Each sleep misses its mark. I fall asleep at 2 in the morning and wake up at 10. And the whole morning is wasted. It has been like this for so long, too long. The amount of hours spent for sleeping is right, but the routine is all messed up. I should be sleeping way ealier. I have always told myself to adjust myself to sleep before midnight. That never works out.

There’s a few things I can do about that. I should make the most out of the last two hours of the morning: from 10 to 12 A.M. it’s time for writing, time for meditation, time for cleaning up. I can clean up my messy room, fold the blankets, wash myself with cold shower.

Last night I dreamt about a girl that’s not my girl. I dreamt about kissing her on the lips, just gently like two students from secondary school, not passionately like two full-grown adults. Even in my dream, I can feel the guilt. I can feel my conscience kicking in, judging me, telling me to behave yourself. I know my action is wrongful, consciously. But subconsciously, there’s something that still triggering those kind of dreams. There’s still something inside of me that still can not be completely happy with a relationship, no matter what.

But let’s not fool myself, there will always be that part in me no matter what. Looking back on my previous relationship, things seemed like pure fun and games, like we got along from start ’til end. That kind of retrospect is severely biased and incredibly harmful to our current present. I had problems too, a lot of them. We too had fights, argues, moments of doubts. It was a wonderful relationship and I’m grateful for having, but it was not complete sunshine and rainbow.

So I think I will actually be fine. These kinds of doubts will always surface, but I have a choice now. Instead of violently reacting to eat, trying to suppress, conceal it, I can be detached, neutral about it. I can choose what kind of respond I will give it. And coming from this place, I can be much more compassionate and loving. I love my girl and I love my current state of being. I have lots of problems, true to that. But it’s okay, who doesn’t.

It’s still under 750 words. This is going to take a lot longer than I thought. And this is just the first day of the change. Bumpy road ahead for you, Khánh. It’s not actually hard to write down. All of these is more like a stream of consciousness than a tightly proportioned piece of writing. So I can let myself loose and the words can just flow out. But for 750 words to flow out daily, I will need some practice. And also, I have already had the experience of writing 50 entries to be the foundation for this. All of those posts, long or short, aspiring or timid, is now serving a better, bigger purpose. They will be the laying bricks for this transformation.

And I think I need this transformation. I have been wondering how to level up my writing process. And also, those latest posts are really blend and lazy. To write 750 words a day will definitely shake up my thinking. I will be completely honest and open in my writing. Everything will be poured out to revaluate and purified. I have to admit, I haven’t been completely honest in my 50 ealier posts. I still dodge some touchy, insecure subjects. There are still aspects of my life that I can’t face down and have a direct confrontation. I was still much in my shelf.

I think I might have hit 750 words by now.

Daily Journal #52
10h32 A.M
10 06 2017

I’m sick

Nose is running. Body heat is raising. Productivity level is drastically dropping.

I have been been under the weather for about 2 days. It’s exactly 2 weeks away from the exam. Time is precious.

I have to battle this illness. The battle is making me sleepy, so I need to study right after I wake up tomorrow. No more English. It’s not that essential. The closer the exam gets, the sloppier and the less determined people seem to be. May be they are burnt out, exhausted. May be the work-hard-before-the-test mindset is just a grand delusion that most people tell themselves all the three years to sleep bettet at night. They haven’t developed a routine to support their goal, so it never actually happens. It’s funny to think about it.

I am in the “them” too. I, too, thought I would be studying much harder than this. But I don’t feel the urge to do so. That’s what bad about studying basing on your mood: too unpredictable. It’s too unstable to produce tangible results.

Literature is the number 1st priority. 

Math is second.

Tomorrow I will finish the Math Paper. I study it in the morning and the early afternoon.

The evening is spent on Literature.

Daily Journal #51

00h51 09 06 2017

Nhung’s place.

3/4

I almost forgot to write this today. Phew.

I did everything that I planned to do today. I did a mock Math test, an English mock test and spend time learning 2 literature text.

The Math is doing well, I continue to find out where my missing holes are. Definitely need to fill in.

The English is pretty solid. One hour a day is perfectly adequate.

But I can go much harder at Literature. I will spend 3 hours tomorrow to learn 2 more texts. Dive deeeeep.

I also got a side hustle going on, tomorrow I have to make 3 phone calls to figure out how to throw an American-Themed Party in Hanoi.

As of now, I like where I am. I have a wonderful girl, a decent family, a kickass squad and great health.

Daily Journal #49

00h44 A.M 06 06 2017

Ba Ngoai’s home.

2/4

I did one Math mock test, one English mock test. According to plan, I must do another Literature test. But part of me is too lazy to do spend 2 more hours to do it, part of me is telling me that it’s not the best way to learn Literature at the moment. So I turned to read and learn by heart one text now.

It’s not that exhausting to spend time  studying all day. I still took a nap, had lunch and dinner and took some breaks, but for the majority of the day, I spend studying. And it’s not as excruciatingly demanding like I thought.

I can do this!

Tomorrow I took a Math Test from 2 to 5 P.M, so I will need to re-schedule a few things. I will learn Literature in the morning, and English in the evening.

Daily Journal #48

12h03 AM

06 05 2017